Why We Struggle with Communication (Even Though We Do It All the Time)
We talk every day, sometimes nonstop. Conversations with coworkers, friends, partners, family, even quick exchanges with strangers. Yet despite all this practice, many of us aren’t actually very good at communicating effectively. We stumble, misinterpret, over-explain, avoid, or escalate without realizing it. Good communication is a skill, not something that comes automatically.
Different Communication Styles
Most people lean into one of four main communication styles. Understanding them can help us notice our own patterns, and the patterns of others:
Passive – Avoids conflict at all costs, often staying silent even when feelings are hurt. Short-term peace, but long-term resentment builds.
Passive-Aggressive – Pretends everything is fine on the surface while expressing frustration indirectly (sarcasm, guilt-trips, the silent treatment). Creates confusion and mistrust.
Aggressive – Speaks loudly, forcefully, and sometimes disrespectfully. Gets the point across, but often damages relationships.
Assertive – Communicates directly, respectfully, and with clarity. Balances honesty with empathy. Assertive communication tends to lead to the healthiest and most sustainable outcomes.
One Conflict, Four Styles
Imagine this scenario: A friend cancels plans last minute, and your feelings are hurt. Here’s how the conversation might play out depending on your style—and how the other person may respond.
Passive
You: “It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”
Friend: Relieved and moves on, assuming you’re not upset. Meanwhile, your hurt feelings remain unspoken.
Passive-Aggressive
You: “Wow, must be nice to have so much free time to cancel on people.”
Friend: Feels confused or defensive. They may think, “Are they mad at me or joking?” The relationship tension lingers without clarity.
Aggressive
You: “You’re so unreliable! You clearly don’t care about me.”
Friend: Likely to become defensive or angry, firing back or shutting down. The focus shifts from your hurt to a bigger argument.
Assertive
You: “I felt hurt when you canceled at the last minute. I understand things come up, but I’d appreciate more notice next time.”
Friend: More likely to apologize and explain, without feeling attacked. This response leaves space for understanding, repair, and moving forward.
This highlights something important: the way we speak often shapes how the other person responds. Our tone and delivery can either open the door to connection or shut it down.
Empathy: The Core of Connection
Empathy isn’t just about being nice—it’s a skill set. Brené Brown describes four essential parts of empathy:
Perspective Taking – Seeing the situation from the other person’s viewpoint.
Staying Out of Judgment – Resisting the urge to criticize or evaluate their feelings.
Recognizing Emotion – Identifying what they’re experiencing.
Communicating Recognition – Letting them know they’ve been heard and understood.
Empathy is powerful because it says, “I’m willing to sit with you in this emotion without fixing, minimizing, or blaming.”
Why Empathy Feels Hard
Empathy requires vulnerability. To connect with someone’s sadness, fear, or frustration, we often have to touch those same emotions within ourselves. That’s uncomfortable, which is why we sometimes default to advice, distraction, or blame.
And here’s a common fear: “If I focus on their feelings, does that mean I’m dismissing mine?” But empathy doesn’t erase your needs. It simply acknowledges the other person’s emotional reality. The balance comes in pairing empathy with boundaries.
Boundaries: Empathy With Self-Respect
A healthy boundary is a way of saying, “I can care about how you feel, and I can still care about my own needs.”
For example:
Empathy without boundaries might sound like: “I understand you were stressed, so I’ll just let it go, even though I’m still hurt.” (Leads to resentment.)
A boundary with empathy might sound like: “I get that you had a lot going on. At the same time, I still felt hurt. I’d like us to find a better way to handle this next time.”
Boundaries are not walls. They’re guidelines for people around us to maintain healthy connections with us. When paired with empathy, they prevent burnout, resentment, and people-pleasing.
A Simple Script for Setting Boundaries
Boundaries don’t have to be complicated. A helpful framework is:
“When X (neutral event) happens, I feel Y (emotion), and I need Z (positive need).”
This structure keeps the focus on your feelings and needs rather than blame or criticism. It’s important to remember that we communicate our need in a way that is actionable for the other person. Often, we’re quick to focus on the negative behavior—what we don’t want—however when we do that, we lose sight of clearly communicating the behavior we do want to see moving forward.
Examples:
Friendship: “When plans get canceled last minute (X), I feel hurt and unimportant (Y). I need more notice if things change (Z).”
Work: “When meetings run late without warning (X), I feel stressed and overwhelmed (Y). I need to know in advance if we’ll go over time (Z).”
Family: “When my privacy isn’t respected (X), I feel frustrated (Y). I need some quiet time in the evenings to recharge (Z).”
Using this approach helps you stay assertive, empathetic, and clear—without over-explaining, drifting into aggression, or avoiding the conversation altogether. It centers your needs while giving the other person a clear path to respond positively.
The Blame Game
Brené Brown often describes blame as “a way to discharge discomfort and pain.” When something goes wrong, our minds want a target — someone or something to point to — because blame gives the illusion of control. It feels easier to say, “This is your fault,” than to sit with the discomfort of hurt, disappointment, or vulnerability.
But when we focus on blame, we step away from accountability and lose sight of what actually matters — our feelings and needs in the situation. Instead of identifying, “I felt hurt when that happened,” or “I needed to feel understood,” blame pushes us into defense mode.
Once blame enters the conversation, defensiveness quickly follows. The other person stops listening because they’re busy protecting themselves. We stop listening because we’re focused on being right. The conversation shifts from repair to combat, and the original issue — the hurt, misunderstanding, or unmet need — gets buried under a tug-of-war over who’s at fault.
Blame also keeps us from genuine self-reflection. It becomes the opposite of accountability:
Accountability says, “Here’s my part, and I’m willing to own it.”
Blame says, “This isn’t my fault, and I won’t change.”
The goal isn’t to avoid responsibility — it’s to stay curious and compassionate. Instead of, “Who’s to blame?” we can ask, “What happened here?” or “What was I feeling in that moment?”
This shift opens space for empathy and understanding, allowing both people to move toward resolution rather than staying trapped in reaction.
Why We Over-Explain (and Why Less Is More)
When we’re anxious about being misunderstood or fear disappointing someone, we often start over-explaining: adding more words, more context, and more apologies. Deep down, it’s usually an attempt to manage other people’s emotions or control how they perceive us.
But over-explaining often backfires. The more we talk, the more the message gets lost. Instead of clarity, we create confusion or defensiveness.
Over-explaining sounds like:
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I just thought maybe if you had time — but it’s totally fine if you don’t!”
It can come from a place of people-pleasing or fear of rejection. We hope that by softening or over-qualifying our message, we’ll avoid conflict. But in reality, it dilutes our needs and boundaries.
Less is more. A clear, calm statement is more likely to be heard than a long, anxious one.
Try this shift:
Instead of: “I’m sorry, I know you’re busy, but it just kind of hurt when you didn’t reply. I totally get it though, I know you have a lot going on.”
Say: “I felt hurt when I didn’t hear back. Is everything okay between us?”
Directness feels uncomfortable at first because it is more vulnerable, however it communicates self-respect and empathy in two sentences.
Technology: A Blessing and a Barrier
Technology makes staying connected easier than ever. A quick text can confirm plans, check in on a loved one, or share encouragement in seconds. Video calls allow us to see the faces of friends and family across the world. Social media keeps us updated on people’s lives even when distance separates us.
But there’s a downside: over-reliance on technology can weaken real communication. Tone gets lost in text. Emojis and punctuation can be misread. Silence can feel like rejection. And sometimes, hiding behind a screen feels safer than having a vulnerable, honest conversation face-to-face.
Another risk is that relationships can get stuck at a surface level. It’s easy to “like” a post, send an emoji, or fire off a quick text—but those interactions don’t always deepen trust or understanding. They give the appearance of connection without the substance. True connection often requires slowing down, listening, and being present with someone’s full emotional experience—something much harder to capture in a short digital exchange.
Technology works best as a support, not a replacement. It’s great for convenience, but meaningful conversations often need more—our voices, facial expressions, and presence. Sometimes the best way to resolve conflict or express care is still the old-fashioned way: talking in person or picking up the phone.
Start With Self-Empathy
One piece often overlooked: how we talk to ourselves. If your inner dialogue is harsh—“I’m stupid, I always mess this up”—it’s harder to speak kindly and assertively with others. The way we communicate externally often mirrors the way we communicate internally.
Self-empathy means extending the same compassion and understanding towards yourself that you’d naturally offer a friend. Instead of criticizing yourself for mistakes, you pause to acknowledge your feelings with curiosity and care.
Recognize what you feel – “I’m anxious right now.”
Validate the emotion – “It makes sense I feel this way after that conversation.”
Offer kindness instead of judgment – “I’m learning, and it’s okay not to have this perfect.”
Something important to emphasize here is that self-empathy is not self-pity. It doesn’t mean excusing harmful choices or avoiding accountability. Instead, it provides the emotional safety net that allows you to grow and change without shame.
And just like with others, self-empathy pairs best with boundaries. You can be gentle with yourself and hold yourself accountable:
“I didn’t communicate clearly this time. That doesn’t make me a failure, and I’ll practice being more direct next time.”
When we strengthen our capacity for self-empathy, we become less reactive and more grounded. That steadiness makes it easier to communicate with others in a way that is both compassionate and assertive.
Try This: A Quick Skill-Building Practice
You don’t need a big workbook to start practicing—just a few intentional steps can make a big difference.
Think of a recent conflict or miscommunication.
Write out what you actually said.
Then rewrite it in an assertive + empathetic format, using the “When X, I feel Y, I need Z” script.
Optional: practice saying it out loud in front of a mirror.
This simple exercise can help build confidence in communicating more clearly and effectively. After practicing, notice how the conversation feels. Did you come across clearer? Did the other person respond differently? Communication is a skill, and progress comes from reflection and repetition, not perfection.
Takeaway
We all talk, but talking isn’t the same as communicating effectively. Becoming aware of your communication style, practicing empathy (for yourself and others), setting boundaries, and leaning into clear, assertive expression can strengthen your relationships.
And remember: the way you communicate shapes how the other person responds. Blame builds walls. Empathy builds bridges. Boundaries keep the bridge safe and sturdy. Say less when you can, listen more, and keep it genuine.
Reflection Questions
Which communication style do I use most often—passive, passive-aggressive, aggressive, or assertive?
How does my communication style influence how others respond to me?
When was the last time empathy helped me connect with someone?
Where might I need to pair empathy with stronger boundaries?
How do I speak to myself—and how does that affect how I speak to others?