Why We Struggle with Communication (Even Though We Do It All the Time)

We communicate all day long.

We text. We talk. We send emails. We make comments, ask questions, explain how we feel, and try to tell people what we need.

So why is communication still so hard?

Because communicating something and being understood are two different things.

I often think of communication as a constant game of telephone. We have what we mean to say, we put it into words, the other person hears it through their own experiences and emotions, and somewhere along the way, the message can change.

Take something as simple as:

“That movie looks interesting.”

Maybe what you mean is, I’d really like to go see that movie with you.

But your partner hears, They’re just making an observation.

Neither person necessarily did anything wrong. The message just didn't land the way it was intended.

Where Are We Communicating From?

One way I often talk about communication in session is by looking at the spectrum of passive, passive-aggressive, assertive, and aggressive communication.

I actually draw this on a whiteboard pretty regularly.

When a conversation goes sideways, it can be helpful to step back and ask:

Where was I communicating from? And where was the other person communicating from?

Maybe one person was avoiding saying what they really wanted because they didn't want to create conflict. Maybe the other person was frustrated and came across more aggressively than they intended.

Maybe both people were trying to communicate, but neither was actually saying what they needed. Looking at the interaction this way doesn't necessarily tell us who was right or wrong. And really, effective communication isn't about assigning blame or proving who was right. When we shift the focus in that direction, we can start moving away from the reason we were communicating in the first place.

Maybe we were trying to be understood. Maybe we were trying to solve a problem, express a need, or feel more connected to the other person.

Understanding where each person was communicating from can help us get back to that.

Why Is Assertive Communication So Hard?

Assertive communication is often considered the most effective way to communicate because it allows us to be clear about what we think, feel, or need while still making room for the other person's perspective.

Sounds great, right?

Except being direct can also be uncomfortable because it means we have to be vulnerable. We have to be willing to say what we mean and express what we need without knowing exactly how the other person will respond. We are opening ourselves up to the possibility of being understood, but also the possibility of disappointment, rejection, or hurt.

If I tell you what I actually need, you might say no.

You might not agree.

You might not understand.

You might respond in a way that hurts.

It can feel safer to hint at what we want, shut down, become defensive, or communicate indirectly. At least then we're not putting the whole thing out there. But that also means the other person may never actually know what we were trying to say. We have to be willing to say what we mean without knowing exactly how the other person will respond.

That doesn't mean being assertive guarantees a good conversation. It doesn't mean the other person will suddenly understand our perspective or give us what we're asking for. Sometimes we can communicate clearly and still be disappointed by the response. But if we want genuine connection, being willing to communicate honestly gives the other person a much better chance of understanding us.

We Can't Control What Someone Hears

This may be one of the hardest parts of communication. We can be thoughtful about our words. We can explain ourselves. We can try to be clear. But we don't get to completely control how someone else interprets our message. Their experiences, emotions, assumptions, and expectations all come with them into the conversation.

The same is true for us.

Sometimes we aren't hearing what someone is actually saying because we're already anticipating criticism, rejection, or conflict. Sometimes we also have to check in rather than assume we know what the other person heard.

“What did you hear me say?”

That question can tell us a lot more than assuming we already know.

So effective communication isn't about finding the perfect words that guarantee the other person will understand us.

It's about doing our part to make the message as clear as we can, while also being willing to slow down and make sure we're actually hearing each other. Because we communicate all the time. That doesn't necessarily mean we're communicating effectively.

Sometimes we have to slow down, figure out what we're actually trying to say, and be willing to say it directly.

Even when that feels a little vulnerable.