Living With Intention

In sessions, I find myself talking about intentionality quite a bit.

Not because I think we need to be intentional about every single thing we do. That would be exhausting. There are plenty of things we do on autopilot, and honestly, that's not necessarily a bad thing. We don't need to consciously think through every step of brushing our teeth or making breakfast.

But how often are we actually present for what we're doing?

Think about driving somewhere familiar. You get in your car, start driving, and before you know it, you're pulling into the parking lot. You don't really remember the drive. You were physically there, but your mind was somewhere else.

I remember this happening to me at one of my old jobs. The job was located near an apartment I used to live in. One day, I was driving to work and, without really thinking about where I was going, I ended up at my old apartment.

I had driven there so many times that my brain just took over.

I wasn't present. (I promise this was a one-off!)

Thankfully, the consequences were pretty minor. I just had to laugh at myself and redirect.

But we can move through much more of our lives this way than we realize.

We can go through our morning, have conversations, respond to emails, interact with our families, and make decisions without really stopping to notice what we're doing.

What Helped?

I see another version of this in therapy all the time.

A client might come into session and tell me, “I'm feeling better.”

Of course, that's great. That's what we want.

However sometimes when I ask what has been helping, they aren't really sure.

Maybe their anxiety has decreased, or their depression has lifted. They've been getting through difficult situations a little differently; however, they aren’t able to identify what they were doing differently or what is causing the shift.

And that matters.

Let's say I'm having a really difficult moment and my anxiety is high. I use a grounding skill, like the five senses exercise, and eventually notice that I'm feeling a little calmer.

There is a difference between simply feeling better and recognizing:

“I was struggling. I used a skill. It helped.”

Now I know something about myself that I didn't know before.

The next time I'm struggling, I have something I can try. I'm not starting from scratch.

I'm learning that I can pay attention to myself, learn what helps, and use that information the next time I need it. That can change the way we see ourselves. Instead of only seeing the things we struggle with, we can start to see ourselves as people who are capable of learning what we need.

Sometimes we are already doing things that help us, but we don't recognize them as coping. Intentionality can help us notice those moments too.

Instead of thinking, “I don't know how I got through that,” we can start to recognize, “I actually did some things that helped me get through that.”

That can be incredibly empowering.

It doesn't mean the skill will work every time, and it doesn't mean I can make difficult feelings disappear whenever I want. It means I've learned something about what helps me.

Curiosity Changes What We Do

Sometimes, though, paying attention to our patterns can bring up a lot of judgment.

Why am I still doing this?

I should be better at this by now.

Why can't I just handle it?

Intentionality gives us another option: curiosity.

Instead of immediately deciding that something we did means something is wrong with us, we can get curious about what happened.

What was going on for me in that moment?

What was I needing?

What did I try?

What seemed to help?

What didn't?

We might realize that something helped, that something didn't, or simply notice a pattern we hadn't seen before.

That's useful information.

And curiosity gives us somewhere to go with it.

If I decide, “I always mess this up,” there isn't much left to do.

If I think, “Hmm, that didn't go the way I wanted. What happened?” I have somewhere to go from there. There is room for movement.

I can try something different. I can adjust. I can stay in the process.

When we can get curious instead of immediately judging ourselves, we can actually learn from what happened.

It's Not Just About When We're Struggling

Intentionality isn't only about what we do when we're having a difficult time.

It also affects how we move through our everyday lives.

If I'm not paying attention, I can easily fall into patterns simply because they're familiar. I can respond to people out of habit. I can spend my time in ways that don't actually line up with what matters to me. I can say yes because saying no feels uncomfortable. I can avoid something because avoidance feels easier in the moment.

This is where I think intentionality connects with our values.

When we slow down enough to pay attention, we can start to notice how we're actually living. How am I showing up in my relationships? Am I connecting with people in a way that feels like me? Am I spending my time in ways that matter to me? Am I moving toward the things I say are important to me, or am I just doing what feels familiar?

Sometimes we may realize that we don't really like how we're showing up. Maybe we're avoiding something, saying yes when we don't want to, or spending our time in ways that don't feel particularly meaningful.

That doesn't mean we've done something wrong. It just gives us something to look at.

We can get curious about why we're doing what we're doing and decide whether we want to keep going in that direction or try something different. The point isn't to judge ourselves when that happens. It's to notice.

From there, we can decide what we want to do differently. That might mean using a coping skill, setting a boundary, having a difficult conversation, or reaching out for support. It doesn't have to be a big change. Sometimes intentionality is simply noticing that the way we're doing something isn't working for us and deciding to try something different.

We are going to go on autopilot. We're going to react. We're going to make choices that don't line up with our values. We're going to have moments when we aren't as present as we would like to be.

That's part of being human.

For me, living with intention isn't about controlling every moment or making the “right” choice every time. It's about paying attention to what we're doing, what helps, what matters to us, and how we want to show up.

It's learning to notice our own lives while we're actually living them. To recognize what helps. To get curious when things don't go the way we hoped. To come back to what matters to us.

We may not always know what to do next; however, the more intentional we become, the more we learn about ourselves.

And sometimes, that's where change begins.