When Setbacks Become Self Criticism

One thing I notice often in therapy is that people usually come in wanting some type of change. They may want to feel less anxious, improve their relationship with food, manage their emotions differently, strengthen their relationships, or simply feel more like themselves again.

While everyone's goals are different, there is often a common thread. People are coming to therapy because they want their quality of life to improve.

What I also notice is that many people become much harder on themselves during the process of change than they realize.

We often create unrealistic expectations for ourselves. We expect change to happen quickly. We expect ourselves to know what to do and then automatically be able to follow through. We expect setbacks to mean we are doing something wrong instead of recognizing that setbacks are often a normal part of the process.

But the reality is that change is hard.

And if change were easy, you probably would have already done it. The fact that you are sitting in therapy trying to understand why you keep getting stuck is a sign that you are working through something that’s difficult, even when we think it shouldn’t be hard.

The difficult part is that when change feels hard, this is often when negative self talk begins to show up.

"I should’t still be struggling with this."

"I know what to do. I am just choosing not to do it."

"Is there something wrong with me?”

"Why can’t I just do it?"

I hear these thoughts often from people who genuinely want things to be different. They may have learned coping skills, read books, made plans, and spent time trying to understand themselves. The frustration comes when knowing what to do does not automatically translate into being able to do it.

And I think this is where we can be really hard on ourselves.

We assume that if we know what would help, we should automatically be able to do it. But knowing what to do and being able to access that skill in the moment are two very different things.

When Struggling Turns Into Self Criticism

One example I see often is when a client comes into session frustrated because they did not use a coping skill we talked about the previous week. They may have had every intention of trying it. They may have left session feeling hopeful and confident that they would use the skill when they needed it. But then the moment came, emotions were high, and they forgot.

And this is often where the self criticism begins.

"I knew what I was supposed to do."

"We talked about this."

"I should have remembered."

"What is wrong with me?"

This is such an important moment to slow down. Because the question is not actually whether the coping skill worked or whether the person failed. The question is what made it difficult to access the skill in that moment.

Was the emotion too intense? Was the skill something that needed more practice before it became easier to use? Was there something happening that made it harder to remember? Did we need to create a different plan or add more support?

Using coping skills during difficult moments is a skill itself. It takes practice, repetition, and learning how to recognize what we need when emotions are high. Struggling to use a skill does not mean you are failing. It gives us information about what needs more attention.

This is often the shift I want people to make.

Moving from asking, "What is wrong with me?" to asking, "What happened, and what can I learn from this?" creates a very different opportunity for growth.

Why Being Hard on Ourselves Does Not Create Change

Negative self talk is not just problematic because it makes us feel bad. Over time, it can impact our confidence and our belief that we are capable of creating the change we are working toward. And that matters because change requires endurance. It requires us to keep showing up when things are difficult, when motivation is low, and when things do not go according to plan.

If every setback becomes evidence that we cannot change, it becomes much harder to continue moving forward. Instead of seeing a setback as information, we start seeing it as proof. Proof that we are not capable. Proof that we are failing. Proof that something is wrong with us. But a setback is not a statement about who we are.

It is information.

It gives us an opportunity to understand what happened and what might need to change moving forward.

The problem is, people can sometimes be hesitant to let go of negative self talk. I often hear people worry that if they stop being hard on themselves, they will stop trying. There can be a belief that we need the "tough love" approach. That if we stop criticizing ourselves, we will become unmotivated or stop holding ourselves accountable.

And I understand why this belief exists. For many people, self criticism has been a strategy they have relied on for a long time. It may feel like the thing that keeps them accountable or pushes them to do better.

But there is a difference between accountability and self criticism. Accountability allows us to look honestly at what happened, understand what contributed to the outcome, and consider what we want to do differently moving forward. Self criticism takes a different approach. Instead of helping us understand the problem, it turns the problem into a statement about who we are.

Letting go of self criticism does not mean we stop caring about our goals. It does not mean we stop trying, and it doesn’t mean we let ourselves off the hook.

It means we choose a different way of moving forward.

Moving From Self Criticism to Curiosity

This is why I do not always start by immediately challenging negative thoughts or replacing them with positive affirmations.

Sometimes that approach can be helpful. But when someone is already stuck in a cycle of self criticism, trying to convince themselves that the opposite is true can sometimes feel like an internal argument.

I think about it like trying to argue with someone who has already decided they are right. The more you challenge them, the louder they may become. They may bring up more examples or find more evidence to support their point. Not because they are right, but because they are not in a place where they are able to hear something different.

I often think about negative self talk in a similar way.

Just because it gets louder does not mean it is right.

It means it has gotten our attention.

The goal is not to spend all of our energy arguing with it. The goal is to notice it and decide whether it is actually helping us move forward.

Instead of getting stuck trying to understand why we are the problem, we can become curious about what actually happened. We can look at what got in the way, what support we might need, what we can learn from the experience, and how we might approach things differently next time.

This is where we shift from feeling stuck and helpless into curiosity and action. The goal is not to completely get rid of negative self talk. Most of us will experience it from time to time and that is okay. What is more important is that when it shows up, can we notice whether it is helping us understand the problem or simply making us feel worse.

We can acknowledge that the thought showed up. We can understand why it appeared. But we do not have to feed into it. Change does not require us to get everything right the first, second or even third time. Change requires us to be willing to notice what is not working, learn from it, make adjustments, and try again.

Because in my experience, lasting change is rarely created through self criticism.

It is created through curiosity, flexibility, and a willingness to keep showing up, even when the process is difficult.