ADHD & Perfectionism: A Hidden Struggle

Let's say you notice your closet is getting a little messy.

There are clothes that need to be put away, a few things on the floor, and maybe some things that don't really have a place.

You could probably spend 10 minutes putting things away and move on with your day, but instead, you start thinking about how the closet really needs to be organized.

You start thinking about going through the clothes you don't wear anymore, finding better storage, and rearranging everything while you're at it.

Now putting away some clothes has turned into reorganizing the entire closet, and because you don't have the time or energy to reorganize the entire closet, you don't do anything. The clothes stay where they are.

This can be one way perfectionism shows up with ADHD.

At first, ADHD and perfectionism might seem like they don't really belong together. How can someone who struggles to get things done also feel like everything has to be done just right?

But for some people with ADHD, those things can actually become connected.

Not everyone with ADHD experiences perfectionism, but when it does show up, it can sometimes be a way of coping with the challenges that come with ADHD.

Sometimes perfectionism is about trying to prevent rejection

When you've spent a lot of time feeling like you're forgetting things, making mistakes, falling behind, or not living up to what other people expect from you, it makes sense that you might start looking for a way to prevent that from happening.

Maybe the answer becomes trying harder. Being more prepared. Checking things one more time. Making sure you don't make a mistake.

If I can just get this right, maybe I won't disappoint anyone. If I do this perfectly, maybe I won't fail. If I can prove that I'm capable, maybe I won't have to worry about being rejected.

Perfectionism can start to feel like a way to protect yourself. The problem is that there is no amount of preparation that can guarantee that we won't make a mistake, disappoint someone, or experience rejection.

And trying to prevent those things can take a lot of energy.

And sometimes perfectionism keeps us from doing anything at all

This is where that closet example comes in.

Sometimes perfectionism doesn't push us to do more. It keeps us from starting.

If putting away a few clothes turns into reorganizing the entire closet, the task suddenly feels much bigger. And when you already struggle with getting started, managing time, or figuring out where to begin, adding the expectation that you need to do it perfectly doesn't exactly make things easier.

The same thing can happen with work, school, relationships, or everyday tasks. You don't just need to send the email. You need to make sure it's worded correctly. You don't just need to start the project. You need to know exactly how you're going to finish it. You don't just want to clean up a little. If you're going to clean, you might as well do the whole thing.

So you don't start. And then the task is still there tomorrow. Now you're behind, you're frustrated with yourself, and the fear of messing up can feel even bigger.

This is one of the frustrating things about the relationship between ADHD and perfectionism: sometimes the thing we are trying to do to avoid failure actually makes it harder to move forward.

Start by noticing it

Rather than immediately trying to get rid of perfectionism, start by noticing when it shows up.

Where does it show up for you?

Is it at work? In school? In relationships? In parenting? At home?

What happens when you start to feel like something needs to be done just right?

And what are you hoping will happen if you get it right?

Sometimes we're trying not to mess up. We don't want anyone to be disappointed in us. We want to prove to ourselves or someone else that we're capable.

Once we're able to recognize perfectionism for what it is, we have a little more room to do something different.

We can pause and ask ourselves, What am I actually trying to accomplish here?

Sometimes perfectionism can distract us from the thing we were actually trying to do.

The goal might have been to put the clothes away. Suddenly, we're reorganizing the closet. The goal might have been to send the email. Suddenly, we're rewriting it for the tenth time. The goal might have been to start the project. Suddenly, we're trying to figure out the perfect way to do the entire thing before we've even begun.

Coming back to the actual goal doesn't mean we have to lower our standards or stop caring. It just gives us a chance to decide whether the standard we're holding ourselves to is actually helping us move forward.

You don't actually need to reorganize the entire closet. You just need to put the clothes away.

Not because you don't care or because your standards are too high, but because sometimes noticing perfectionism gives us the space to step back and ask what actually needs to happen next. adadf