Loving Someone With an Eating Disorder: What We Don't Always Talk About

A lot of my work involves supporting clients who are struggling with an eating disorder. But sometimes, my work also involves supporting the people who love them.

Supporting someone with an eating disorder can come with a bit of a learning curve. Not only are you learning more about what eating disorders can look like, but you may also start looking differently at the messages about food, weight, exercise, and bodies that many of us have grown up with.

Diet culture and disordered eating behaviors can be so normalized that we don't always recognize them as such. Talking about a new diet, commenting on someone's weight, labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” or talking about needing to exercise to “work off” something we ate may feel completely normal. But for someone struggling with an eating disorder, these conversations can be triggering or can unintentionally reinforce the eating disorder.

This can be a learning curve for loved ones, too. Things you have never had to think twice about before may suddenly require more awareness.

And then there is the other side of supporting someone with an eating disorder.

You may feel like you are walking on eggshells. You may not know what to say or whether saying something is going to help or make things worse. You may find yourself wondering whether you are being supportive or whether you are unintentionally enabling the eating disorder.

Eating disorders can also be incredibly secretive. Your loved one may not tell you what is happening, may minimize their behaviors, or may pull away from you when you are trying to help.

Sometimes it can feel like there isn't a clear right answer.

When the Relationship Changes

An eating disorder can affect the relationship, not just the person experiencing it. Your loved one is still there. But the eating disorder can get in the way.

Things that used to feel easy may not feel easy anymore. Spontaneously grabbing food together, going out to eat, taking a vacation, celebrating holidays, or even making an offhand comment about your own body or what you ate may now require more thought.

You may also notice that your loved one is pulling away, turning down invitations, avoiding situations involving food, or sharing less of what they are experiencing.

Eating disorders can create a lot of distance. Sometimes the person struggling may isolate themselves because of shame, anxiety, fear, or the need to protect the eating disorder. Other times, the eating disorder can make it harder for them to participate in things they used to enjoy.

There can be grief in recognizing that your relationship has changed, even though the person you love is still right there.

You can understand that your loved one is struggling and know that this isn't something they are choosing, and still miss how things used to feel.

Both things can be true.

Remember: Your Loved One Is Not Their Eating Disorder

Something I think is always helpful in eating disorder work is learning to separate your loved one from their eating disorder.

The eating disorder may be influencing their thoughts and behaviors, but your loved one is not the eating disorder.

This can be easier said than done, especially when you are watching behaviors that are frustrating, confusing, or difficult to understand.

It can help to think about the eating disorder as something your loved one is struggling with rather than something that defines who they are.

That doesn't mean ignoring concerning behaviors or pretending everything is okay, and it doesn't mean that everything your loved one does or says gets a pass because they are struggling. You can have compassion for what your loved one is experiencing and still recognize when behaviors are affecting you or the relationship.

You can separate the person from the eating disorder while still setting boundaries around behaviors that aren't okay.

Sometimes that shift can create a little more room for compassion while still allowing you to take the eating disorder seriously.

Staying Connected

When an eating disorder starts taking up more space, it can be easy for the relationship to start revolving around it.

There may be conversations about food, treatment, appointments, exercise, or what you are noticing. Sometimes those conversations are necessary and part of supporting your loved one through recovery.

At the same time, your relationship can still be about more than the eating disorder.

Continue looking for small opportunities to connect with your loved one—even if things look different than they used to.

Watch a movie together. Go for a walk. Play a game. Sit together. Talk about something completely unrelated to food or recovery.

And sometimes connection may need to look different for a while.

If your loved one is pulling away, continuing to offer opportunities for connection can be meaningful. They may not always say yes. They may not always be ready to engage.

That doesn't mean the invitation wasn't important.

The goal isn't to ignore the eating disorder. It's to remember that there is a person there who you still want a relationship with.

Sometimes it is simply helpful for your loved one to know:

I'm still here.

You May Feel Isolated, Too

Eating disorders can be isolating for the person experiencing them, but they can also be isolating for the people who love them.

You may feel disconnected from your loved one as they pull away, become more private, or struggle to engage in things you used to do together.

But you may also find yourself feeling disconnected from other people. You may not know who you can talk to about what is happening. You may want to respect your loved one's privacy, so you don't feel comfortable sharing what is going on with friends or family. Or the people around you may not really understand eating disorders, and you find yourself trying to explain something that is difficult to explain in the first place.

You may hear comments like, “But aren't they eating?” or “Can't they just stop?” and realize that the people around you don't understand what you are navigating. Sometimes you may even worry that talking about it means you are betraying your loved one's trust.

So you keep it to yourself.

And the longer you keep it to yourself, the more alone you may start to feel.

Finding people who understand eating disorders—whether that is a therapist, support group, another family member, or another trusted person, can give you a place to ask questions, process what you're experiencing, and feel a little less alone.

You Are Allowed to Have Feelings About This

I think sometimes loved ones feel like they aren't supposed to admit that this is hard.

You love this person. You want them to get better. You don't want to make things harder for them.

But you may also feel frustrated. You may feel exhausted. You may miss the way things used to be. You may feel confused about what to do or say.

Having those feelings doesn't mean you love your person any less.

You can love your person, want them to recover, and still acknowledge that their eating disorder has affected you and your relationship.

You can be supportive without having to pretend that everything is easy.

You don't have to do it perfectly.

You Don't Have to Hold All of It Yourself

You are not responsible for fixing your loved one's eating disorder. You cannot make someone recover, and you don't have to carry the responsibility of making recovery happen.

Your role may be to learn, communicate, encourage treatment, set boundaries, and offer support. Sometimes that support may mean having difficult conversations or helping your loved one get additional care.

And you don't have to hold all of it yourself.

As a therapist, I will sometimes tell parents or loved ones, “It's okay to make me be the bad guy. It's more important for you to stay their parent.”

I'm not saying that I should always be the bad guy or that parents shouldn't have hard conversations with their kids. Rather, there are times when I can hold some of the clinical weight. I can have some of the difficult conversations, reinforce treatment recommendations, or help explain why something is important.

And this isn't something you have to rely on one person to hold. Your loved one's treatment team is there to help support them through recovery and to help you understand how you can best support them, too.

You can let the treatment team hold some of the eating disorder work while you continue creating spaces where you can simply be their parent, partner, sibling, or loved one.

You can watch a movie together, go for a walk, talk about your day, laugh together, or just spend time together without the eating disorder being the focus.

You can support your loved one without taking responsibility for their recovery.

The eating disorder may be a part of what your loved one is experiencing, but it doesn't have to become the entirety of your relationship.

Your loved one deserves support in their recovery, and you deserve support, too.