Why We Struggle to Follow Through

Throughout my work as a therapist, I see clients come in with all kinds of goals.

They want to set better boundaries. They want to manage their anxiety differently. They want to change a habit, improve a relationship, take better care of themselves, or finally do something they've been thinking about for a long time.

And then, sometimes, we get to a point where they are frustrated with themselves because they aren't following through.

"I know what I need to do. Why can't I just do it?"

"I've tried this before. Why am I still struggling with it?"

It's easy to assume that if we're having a hard time making a change, we must not be motivated enough. Maybe we aren't trying hard enough. Maybe we don't really want it badly enough.

But I don't think that's always what's happening.

Sometimes, change is just really hard.

We often think about change as a decision. We decide that something needs to be different, make a plan, and expect ourselves to follow through.

In reality, lasting change usually takes a lot more than making a decision.

This is one of the reasons I find the Stages of Change so helpful in therapy.

I don't use the stages as a way to decide whether someone is "doing well" or to figure out what stage they should be in.

Instead, they give us a way to slow down and ask:

Where are you actually at in the process of making this change?

Sometimes we're not ready yet. Sometimes we're thinking about making a change but still feel conflicted. Sometimes we're ready to make a plan. Sometimes we're actively making changes. And sometimes we're working on maintaining something we've already changed.

Knowing where we are can help us understand what we actually need. If we're not ready, trying to force ourselves into action may only leave us feeling more frustrated. If we're thinking about change, we may still be figuring out what we want and what is getting in the way. And if we're already making changes, we may discover that the plan needs to look different than we originally thought.

The point isn't to move through the stages perfectly.

Because we usually don't.

We don't always get it right the first time

One of the hardest parts of change is that we can genuinely want something to be different and still struggle to make it happen.

We can make a plan, put in the effort, and still find ourselves back in an old pattern. And that can be discouraging. Especially when we've already tried before.

It's easy to think, "I've done this already. Why am I back here again?"

But I don't think going backward necessarily means we're starting over.

I like to think about this the same way we might think about building a new car.

We don't expect the first version of a new car to be perfect. There are prototypes. There is testing. There are things that don't work the way we expected. There are adjustments and new versions.

We don't look at the second version and say, "Well, I guess we learned nothing from the first one."

We have more information.

Change can work the same way.

Maybe the plan wasn't realistic. Maybe we discovered a trigger we hadn't anticipated. Maybe we needed more support than we thought. Maybe something worked for a while and then stopped working.

That information matters.

We aren't necessarily starting from scratch. We're starting with more information than we had before.

A setback can tell us something about what we need, what gets in the way, and what might need to be different the next time.

That doesn't make the setback easy. It just means we don't have to turn it into evidence that we failed.

What happens when we're waiting for someone else to change?

I also find the Stages of Change helpful when we're talking about relationships.

Sometimes we're ready for someone else to change before they are. Sometimes we've done a lot of work on how we communicate and then feel frustrated when the other person isn't communicating differently. We may realize we need a boundary, only to find that the other person doesn't respond the way we hoped. And when we've spent a lot of time working on ourselves, it can be hard to understand why someone else isn't willing to do the same.

The frustrating part is that we don't get to decide where someone else is in their process.

We can tell someone what we need. We can encourage them. We can make requests. We can set boundaries.

We can want someone else to change, but we can't make them ready to change.

Sometimes the more useful question is:

What am I willing to do if this person doesn't change?

That's one of the reasons boundaries can be so important. A boundary isn't about controlling what another person does. It's about deciding what we will do based on what is happening.

That can be uncomfortable, especially when we really want someone else to make a different choice.

What if we're not supposed to get it right the first time?

I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to change perfectly.

We decide what we want to be different, make a plan, and expect ourselves to follow through. When something gets in the way, we can quickly turn that experience into a judgment about ourselves.

"I can't stick with anything."

"I knew I wouldn't be able to do it."

"I guess I'm just not motivated enough."

But maybe instead of asking, "Why can't I get this right?" we can ask:

Where am I in the process, and what do I know now that I didn't know before?

Sometimes change means taking the next step.

Sometimes it means changing the plan.

And sometimes it means recognizing that we're not ready yet.