The Stages of Change: Why We Struggle to Follow Through (and How to Keep Moving Forward)
January rolls around, and suddenly the gym is packed. By March, the parking lot is empty again. Most of us know this pattern well. We set out with good intentions—going to the gym, eating better, saving money, or cutting back on social media—but the excitement fades, life gets in the way, and we slip back into old habits.
It’s not because we’re lazy or incapable. It’s because change isn’t a one-time decision—it’s a cycle. And understanding that cycle helps us stick with what matters and extend compassion to ourselves (and others) when we stumble.
The Five Stages of Change
1. Precontemplation – Not Yet Considering Change
Here, the idea of change isn’t even on our radar. Maybe we’ve thought, “I should probably exercise more,” but it doesn’t feel urgent or realistic.
Example: The gym shoes are buried in the closet. Friends invite you to join them for a class, but you shake your head—you’re not there yet.
2. Contemplation – Weighing Pros and Cons
This is the “thinking about it” stage. You know change might be helpful, but the barriers feel heavy.
“I’d feel healthier if I worked out… but I’m exhausted after work.”
“I want to save money… but online shopping is so easy.”
It’s common to stay here a while. Ambivalence is part of the process, not a flaw.
3. Preparation (Planning) – Setting Intentions
At this stage, we begin taking small steps: signing up for a gym membership, downloading a budgeting app, or putting our phone in another room before bed. We’re building readiness, but we haven’t built consistency yet.
The challenge? Sometimes planning feels like progress, and we mistake preparation for action.
4. Action – Doing the Thing
This is when change starts to happen. You’re going to the gym, tracking your spending, or sticking with a nighttime routine. Momentum builds—but so does resistance.
You might feel the pull of excuses, old patterns, or passengers on the bus (we’ll get to that in a moment). Motivation can spark the action stage, but habits keep it alive.
5. Maintenance – Stabilizing the Habit
Here, the change feels more natural. The gym is a regular part of your week. Saving money has become a rhythm. Screen time is more intentional.
Relapse
Relapse—sliding back into old patterns—can happen at any stage. A stressful week, travel, or illness might derail progress. It is important to normalize that relapse isn’t failure. It’s just part of the cycle.
Think about what it takes to build a new car. No company would release the very first prototype and expect it to be perfect. Engineers test, adjust, and rework the design over and over until it’s safe, reliable, and road-ready.
Change works the same way. Your first attempt at a new habit—whether it’s exercising, budgeting, or setting boundaries—probably won’t be flawless. You might stall, take a detour, or even go back to old patterns for a while. That doesn’t mean the change “failed.” It just means you’re still refining the model.
Relapse isn’t the end of the journey—it’s part of the testing process. Each time you return to the drawing board, you’re learning what works and what doesn’t, making it more likely that your “final version” will actually last.
Why We Lose Momentum
So why do we start strong and then stall?
Vague goals: “I’ll eat healthier” is hard to measure or sustain.
Loss of motivation: The spark fades, and life feels too busy.
Expectations about speed: We hope new habits stick in weeks, but research suggests it can take 2–12 months before a behavior feels automatic.
Discomfort: If change was easy, we would just do it. Real change is uncomfortable physically, emotionally or both. Change means we have to be okay with stepping outside our comfort zone and staying there for a while.
All-or-nothing thinking – Missing one workout, overspending once, or slipping up with a boundary doesn’t mean you’ve failed. But if we believe a misstep equals failure, we’re more likely to give up altogether.
This is why patience—and seeing ourselves through the stages of change—really matters. Building lasting change isn’t about speed; it’s about endurance. Think of it less like a sprint and more like training for a marathon. Setbacks are part of the process. What counts most isn’t whether you stumble, but how you respond: noticing when you’ve veered off course, choosing to regroup, and gently steering yourself back toward your values.
The Passengers on the Bus
A metaphor I often share is called Passengers on the Bus, from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Imagine you’re the driver of a bus, following a familiar route. This route represents our daily routines—wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, repeat. Ideally, we want our bus to head in the direction of our values—things like health, balance, freedom, or connection. But sometimes, we realize that parts of our route no longer serve us, that is starting to disconnect us from our goals and values and that’s when we start thinking about change.
The passengers on the bus are your thoughts, feelings, and habits. They shout things like:
“You’re too tired today.”
“You’ll never stick with this.”
“It’s easier to do what you’ve always done.”
Often, we let these passengers steer us back onto the old, familiar route. It feels safe because we’ve driven it so many times before—we know the shortcuts, the potholes, ways to avoid the detours. But that comfort doesn’t mean it takes us where we want to go.
The goal isn’t to kick the passengers off (you can’t). The goal is to stay in the driver’s seat and keep steering toward what matters, even with their noise in the background. Your values are the compass that remind you why the route is worth it.
Practical Tips for Each Stage
Precontemplation: Focus on curiosity, not pressure. Ask yourself, “What might be different if I did make a change?”
Contemplation: Write out your pros and cons. Notice how your reasons for change connect with your values.
Preparation: Get specific. Not “exercise more,” but “walk 20 minutes after dinner three times a week.”
Action: Pair new habits with existing routines (change clothes after work, head straight to the gym). Build accountability—share your goal with a friend.
Maintenance: Create supports for the long haul. Celebrate milestones and track progress. Expect setbacks and have a plan to restart gently.
Relapse: Ask, “What pulled me off track? What small step will get me back on?” Think adjustment, not starting over.
Why Knowing the Stages Matters
Understanding your own stage helps you set realistic expectations and show yourself compassion when things don’t go perfectly. Knowing what stage you are in allows for you to:
Reduce shame – If you’re still in contemplation but expect yourself to be in action, you’ll feel like you’re failing. Recognizing your actual stage normalizes why you might not be ready to take big steps yet.
Match strategies to readiness – Different stages need different approaches. Someone in planning benefits from setting specific goals, while someone in precontemplation needs reflection and awareness first.
Build patience – Change isn’t just about “trying harder.” By seeing it as a process, you understand that setbacks are expected, not proof that you can’t change.
Help us support others – Knowing the stages also helps us meet friends, clients, or loved ones where they are, instead of pushing them ahead too quickly.
In short, knowing your stage gives you a map. Without that map, it’s easy to get lost in self-criticism or use strategies that don’t fit. With it, you can walk the path of change step by step, with more clarity and self-compassion.
Why This Matters for Supporting Others
Change is deeply personal, but it doesn’t happen in isolation. Recognizing the stages of change also helps us understand where others are. If a loved one isn’t ready for action, pushing harder won’t help—it can actually make them dig in more. This perspective can help reduce our frustration when someone isn’t “changing fast enough” and helps us set realistic expectations for their progress. Meeting people where they are, with empathy, makes change safer, more possible and allows us to stay healthy supports without burning ourselves out.
Final Takeaway
Change is rarely a straight line—it’s a cycle of progress, setbacks, and learning. By understanding the stages of change, we can meet ourselves (and others) with more patience, realistic expectations, and compassion. Whether you’re in contemplation, action, or somewhere in between, every step matters because it brings you closer to living in alignment with your values.
To take this from theory into practice, here are a few questions to reflect on:
Which stage of change am I in right now for the goal I’m working on?
What values matter most to me, and how does this goal connect with them?
What “passengers on the bus” (thoughts, feelings, or habits) tend to pull me back to the old route?
When I’ve relapsed in the past, what patterns or triggers showed up? What can I learn from them?
What’s one small, specific step I could take this week to move from my current stage toward the next?
If I’m supporting someone else, how can recognizing their stage reduce my frustration and help me set more realistic expectations for their progress?
What would self-compassion look like as I move through these stages?
Remember: the goal isn’t perfection—it’s persistence. Each loop through the cycle builds resilience, wisdom, and strength. Stay in the driver’s seat, keep your values as your compass, and allow yourself to keep moving toward what matters most.