Supporting a Loved One With an Eating Disorder
When someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, it can be painful to watch. You may feel helpless, unsure of what to say, or afraid of making things worse. Your presence, patience, and compassion are incredibly powerful. While eating disorders are complex mental health conditions that require professional support, loved ones play an essential role in the recovery journey.
Understanding Eating Disorders
Eating disorders affect nearly 30 million Americans at some point in their lifetime. They are not just about food or appearance—they are serious mental health conditions influenced by genetics, environment, trauma, and cultural pressures. Eating disorders have the second highest mortality rate of any mental health disorder (after opioid use disorder).
It’s also important to distinguish between disordered eating and a clinically diagnosed eating disorder. Disordered eating may include behaviors like skipping meals, chronic dieting, or rigid food rules, however an eating disorder typically involves more severe and persistent patterns that interfere with daily life, relationships, and health. Both deserve compassion and can benefit from support, and a diagnosed eating disorder often requires specialized treatment.
Eating disorders can also feel incredibly isolating. Many people withdraw from friends, family, and activities they once enjoyed. Reminding your loved one that they are valued beyond their illness—and that they don’t have to go through this alone—can help bridge that isolation.
Warning Signs to Look Out For
It can sometimes be hard to recognize when someone is struggling. Remember eating disorders are isolating and secretive by nature. A few potential red flags include:
Skipping meals or making excuses not to eat
Dramatic changes in weight (up or down)
Preoccupation with calories, weight, or body size
Avoiding social situations involving food
Excessive exercise or distress when exercise is interrupted
Rigid food rules (e.g., labeling foods “good” or “bad”)
Withdrawal from friends or activities
Extreme perfectionism or heightened anxiety around eating
Not every sign points to an eating disorder, but noticing patterns can help you gently open conversations and encourage professional support.
Myths & Misconceptions About Eating Disorders
Despite growing awareness, many misconceptions about eating disorders remain. Clearing them up is an important step toward reducing stigma and offering compassionate support.
Myth: Eating disorders are a choice.
Reality: No one would choose the pain, medical risks, and isolation that come with an eating disorder. They are serious mental health conditions—not diets gone too far or vanity projects.
Myth: Eating disorders are just about food or wanting to be thin.
Reality: Eating disorders often start out as maladaptive coping mechanisms—ways of managing overwhelming emotions, trauma, or stress. Food and body image become the focus, but underneath, the disorder may be helping someone feel in control, numb, or distracted from deeper pain.
Myth: Once someone stops the behaviors, they’re “better.”
Reality: Recovery involves peeling back the eating disorder behaviors, but when those are stripped away, underlying issues like anxiety, depression, or trauma often come forward. This is why professional treatment and ongoing support are so essential.
Myth: Only young, thin, white women struggle with eating disorders.
Reality: Eating disorders affect people of all genders, ages, races, body sizes, and backgrounds. Weight stigma and cultural bias often prevent people in larger bodies, men, or people of color from being recognized and treated.
Why Early Intervention Matters
The earlier someone receives support, the better the chances for full recovery. Waiting until “things get worse” can allow the disorder to become more entrenched. Even if you’re unsure whether your loved one’s behaviors are “serious enough,” it’s better to seek help sooner rather than later.
Medical Risks to Be Aware Of
Eating disorders can affect nearly every system in the body, including:
Heart health (arrhythmias, cardiac arrest)
Bone density (osteopenia, osteoporosis)
Fertility and hormones (menstrual changes, low testosterone)
Digestive health (slow motility, bloating, reflux)
Brain health (difficulty concentrating, mood instability)
These risks highlight why eating disorders need specialized medical and mental health care—not just willpower or lifestyle changes.
Treatment and the Team Approach
Effective treatment often involves a multidisciplinary team, ideally with each member specializing in eating disorders. A well-rounded team may include:
Therapist – using approaches like CBT-E, DBT, ACT, FBT, or trauma-informed therapy
Dietitian – trained in eating disorders, weight-inclusive care, and nutrition therapy
Physician or pediatrician – monitoring medical stability and complications
Psychiatrist – addressing co-occurring mental health conditions and medication needs
Why specialization matters: Not all providers are trained in eating disorders. Working with professionals who don’t specialize can sometimes be damaging—for example, if a provider emphasizes weight loss, uses diet culture language, or overlooks serious medical risks. A specialized team is better equipped to treat the whole person, not just the behaviors.
Having a professional treatment team also allows you to remain in the role of loved one—not dietitian or therapist role. This matters because sometimes the eating disorder resists or even lashes out against support. By trusting the professionals to guide treatment, you can focus on being a consistent, compassionate presence in your loved one’s life.
How You Can Help
1. Lead with compassion, not criticism
It can be tempting to reassure with comments about weight or eating (“you look healthy,” “just eat more”), but these often backfire. Instead, focus on expressing care:
“I love you and I’m here to support you.”
“I may not fully understand, but I want to be here for you.”
When commenting on appearance, shift the focus from body size to mood or energy:
Instead of “You look great,” try “You look really happy today.”
Instead of “You’ve lost/gained weight,” try “It’s so nice to see you enjoying yourself.”
2. Separate the person from the eating disorder
Your loved one is not their illness. It can help to think of the eating disorder as an external force that is influencing them, rather than who they are at their core. This perspective allows you to direct frustration toward the disorder, not your loved one, and remind them of their strengths outside of food, weight, or body image.
3. Think about your own language around food and body image
Comments like “I feel so fat” or “I need to burn this off” may seem harmless but can reinforce harmful thought patterns. Try to model neutral or positive language around food and body image. Celebrate what bodies can do rather than how they look, and talk about food as nourishment rather than something to earn or restrict.
4. Listen more than you speak
You don’t need to have the “right” words. Often, simply listening with openness and compassion is more healing than offering advice. Focus on creating a safe space where your loved one can share what feels comfortable. Show empathy by validating their feelings while still separating them from the eating disorder.
Example: Instead of saying “Just eat, you’ll feel better,” you might say, “I know eating feels really hard right now. Let me know how to support you.”
5. Do’s and Don’ts for Loved Ones
6. Educate yourself
Understanding the medical and emotional complexities of eating disorders can help you respond with empathy. Additionally, understanding systemic barriers to care is important. LGBTQ+ folks, BIPOC individuals, and those in larger bodies often face unique stigma and discrimination in accessing treatment. Pointing your loved one toward affirming, inclusive resources can make a difference. These resources can guide you:
National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) – nationaleatingdisorders.org
National Alliance for Eating Disorders – allianceforeatingdisorders.com
The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ+ youth) – thetrevorproject.org
Health at Every Size (HAES) – Association for Size Diversity and Health
Books like Health at Every Size by Lindo Bacon, PhD, and Body Respect by Lindo Bacon & Lucy Aphramor
HAES promotes dignity, respect, and access to care for people of all body sizes. This framework helps challenge diet culture and weight stigma—two powerful risk factors that can fuel eating disorders.
7. Encourage professional help—gently
Eating disorders rarely resolve on their own. You can encourage your loved one to reach out for professional care, but avoid ultimatums. Sometimes offering to help research providers or go with them to an appointment can lower barriers.
8. Support daily life in practical ways
Eating disorders can make everyday situations (meals, social events, even doctor’s visits) overwhelming. Offering to sit with them during meals, provide distractions, or just be a grounding presence can help reduce isolation.
9. Take care of yourself, too
It’s common for caregivers to feel exhausted or even burnt out. Seeking your own support—whether therapy, a support group, or leaning on friends—allows you to keep showing up in a sustainable way.
10. Remember that recovery is not linear
Relapses and lapses can happen. Try not to see them as failures, but as part of the recovery process. Acknowledge the effort your loved one is putting in and celebrate even small steps forward.
When Your Loved One Isn’t Ready to Challenge Their Eating Disorder
It’s common for someone struggling with an eating disorder to feel ambivalent about recovery. As mentioned earlier, the eating disorder often serves as a maladaptive coping mechanism, offering a sense of control or comfort in the short term, while causing long term pain and suffering. Because of this, your loved one may not yet be ready or willing to challenge it.
As a caregiver, this can be incredibly difficult. You may feel helpless or frustrated when progress doesn’t come as quickly as you hope. In these moments, it’s important to remember: Recovery is not about forcing change. It’s about supporting readiness for change.
Here are a few things you can do:
Stay consistent with your care. Continue to show up with love, patience, and empathy—even if they reject support.
Set gentle boundaries. Supporting them doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being. It’s okay to say what you can and cannot do.
Focus on connection. Spend time together in ways unrelated to food or body image—watch a movie, go for a walk, or talk about something they enjoy.
Recovery is often a long, non-linear journey. Your role is not to fix the eating disorder. Your role is to provide steady love and support while the treatment team guides the clinical work.
Signs Your Loved One May Be Moving Toward Readiness
Even if your loved one isn’t actively challenging their eating disorder yet, you may notice small shifts that signal they’re beginning to consider recovery. These signs can be subtle but meaningful:
More openness in conversation. They start sharing thoughts or fears about food, body image, or recovery, even in small ways.
Less secrecy. You notice they’re slightly more transparent about behaviors or emotions.
Expressing ambivalence. They might say things like, “Part of me wants to get better, but I’m scared.” This shows they’re wrestling with the idea of change.
Willingness. They show curiosity about treatment options, coping skills, or stories of recovery.
Engagement in relationships. They begin reconnecting with people or activities outside of the eating disorder.
These steps may feel small, however they are signs that your loved one is beginning to imagine life beyond the eating disorder. Your role is to encourage these openings gently, without pushing too hard.
Caregiver Self-Checklist
Here are a few quick reminders to keep in mind as you support your loved one:
Lead with love and care — remind them they’re more than their eating disorder.
Watch your language — avoid diet talk, food shaming, or body comments.
Listen first — you don’t need to have all the answers.
Encourage, don’t pressure — offer support for professional help.
Care for yourself too — your well-being matters in this process.
Learn weight-inclusive approaches — explore HAES to challenge harmful diet culture messages.
Final Thoughts
Supporting a loved one with an eating disorder doesn’t mean fixing it—that’s not your responsibility. What you can do is show up with love, patience, and consistency. Your support, combined with professional treatment, can be a lifeline.
If you or your loved one need immediate support, you can call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the NEDA Helpline at (800) 931-2237 for guidance.
Recovery is possible, and your loved one is so much more than their eating disorder.
