Values: Your Inner Compass

I think values are one of the most important things we can have awareness around. I recognize that, as a therapist who leans into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), I might be a little biased. But in my head, it makes sense.

Our values are the things we hold important. They reflect who we want to be and how we want to interact with the world around us. They can help guide our decisions, shape our relationships, and give us a sense of direction when we're not quite sure what to do next.

But there's something I hear pretty often in sessions when I ask someone about their values:

“I know I have them. I just don't think I can actually name them.”

Most of us aren't taught to think about our values. We're taught to think about goals. What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to change? Where do you want to be in five years?

But values are different. And if we can't name what is important to us, it becomes pretty difficult to intentionally make choices that reflect it.

So maybe the first step isn't changing anything.

Maybe it's simply getting curious.

What Are Values?

Values are the things we hold important. They reflect the qualities we want to bring into our lives and the kind of person we want to be.

Maybe you value connection.

Maybe you value honesty, independence, creativity, stability, curiosity, kindness, growth, adventure, or compassion.

There isn't a right answer.

And your values don't have to look the same as someone else's. For one person, connection might mean having dinner with their family every night. For someone else, it might mean making time for a weekly phone call with a close friend. The behavior can look completely different while still reflecting the same value.

And this is where values can get interesting in our relationships.

We can sometimes assume that the things we value are the things everyone should value.

If reliability is really important to you, you might struggle to understand why someone else doesn't always follow through. If independence is one of your strongest values, you might have a hard time understanding why someone else wants more support or involvement.

Neither person necessarily has the “right” value.

They're just operating from different things that matter to them.

Becoming aware of our own values can help us understand ourselves, but it can also help us recognize that other people may be moving through the world according to a different internal compass.

And sometimes, identifying our values means separating what genuinely matters to us from what we've been told should matter.

You may have spent years pursuing success because that's what was expected of you. You may prioritize being helpful because you've learned that being needed makes you feel worthwhile. You may have built your life around productivity because slowing down feels uncomfortable.

But is that actually what is important to you?

Or is it what you've learned you're supposed to care about?

How Do We Figure Out What Matters?

Sometimes we know our values right away. Sometimes we don't. And another place I see people get stuck in values work is trying to figure out which values truly matter to them.

When we're asked what matters, it's easy to say, “Well, all of these things are important.”

And maybe they are.

But here's the problem: we can't prioritize everything at the same time.

If connection, career, family, independence, health, rest, achievement, adventure, creativity, and stability are all equally important in every moment, we're going to have a hard time deciding where to put our energy. At some point, something has to take priority.

That doesn't mean the other things suddenly don't matter. It means we're making a choice about what matters most right now.

And that can change. What needs your attention in one season of life may not be what needs your attention in another.

So identifying your values isn't just about making a list of everything you care about. It's also about getting curious about which ones you want to prioritize.

And if you're having a hard time naming yours, you don't need to sit down with a list of 50 values and pick five. Start by paying attention. When do you feel most like yourself? What tends to bring up strong emotions? Who do you admire, and what qualities do you respect in them?

Sometimes our frustration, hurt, or disappointment can give us clues, too.

Maybe you feel especially hurt when someone doesn't follow through. Reliability or connection might matter to you. Maybe you feel frustrated when someone makes decisions for you. Independence might be important to you.

Our emotions aren't always telling us exactly what to do, but they can give us information about what matters. The goal isn't to have all the answers. It's to start noticing what matters.

What Does It Look Like to Live Your Values?

Knowing your values is one thing. Actually living them is another.

If you value connection, are you making room for the people who matter to you?

If you value creativity, are you giving yourself opportunities to create?

If you value rest, are you allowing yourself to slow down?

If you value honesty, are you being honest with yourself about what you need?

This doesn't mean every decision has to perfectly align with your values. Life is complicated.

You can value being there for your family and value having time for yourself.

You can value your career and value rest.

You can value connection and value independence.

Sometimes the things we care about pull us in different directions. The goal isn't to find a perfect balance where everything gets equal attention all the time.

It's about becoming more intentional about where we're putting our energy.

And Sometimes We Drift

Even when we know our values, we're not always going to live according to them.

Life gets busy. We get tired. We get overwhelmed. We fall into routines. We start prioritizing what feels urgent over what feels meaningful. Sometimes we look up and realize we've been moving through life on autopilot.

That doesn't mean we've failed.

It might just mean it's time to check the compass.

Is the way I'm living reflecting what is important to me?

If the answer is no, you don't have to completely change your life.

Maybe you just need to notice.

Maybe you need to make a different choice.

Maybe you need to remember what matters.

Because the point of values isn't to give us another list of things we're supposed to do right.

They're there to help us find our direction.

Knowing your values is one thing. Knowing which ones are your core values, the ones that truly guide your decisions and give your life direction, is another. Many people have a long list of values, however they often get stuck on how to narrow that list it down to the few values that really matter most.

We don't have to know exactly where we're going. Sometimes we just need to know which direction matters to us.