I hear some version of this come up in sessions fairly often: "Well, once I start, I can't stop or else I won't actually get it done."
Sometimes we're talking about a household project that's been sitting unfinished for months. Other times, it's the reason someone hasn't started something at all. They know they want to work on it, but they also know that if they stop halfway through, getting back to it might be a whole other challenge.
And honestly, for many people with ADHD, that's a pretty real concern. Getting back into something after stepping away can be difficult. You might lose your train of thought, have a hard time figuring out where you left off, or find that the focus you had when you started just isn't there the next time around.
But I also think there's something else happening here. We can start to feel like if we're going to start something, we need to finish it. Otherwise, what's the point? So we wait until we have enough time, energy, and motivation to get the whole thing done.
The problem is, that can leave us waiting a really long time.
When the Fear of Stopping Keeps Us From Starting
Think about a project you've been wanting to tackle. Maybe it's organizing a closet, cleaning out the garage, or finally getting around to that project you've been putting off around the house.
You have a little bit of time, and you consider getting started. But then you think about how long it's going to take. You know you probably won't finish in the time you have, and you're already thinking about how difficult it might be to pick it back up later.
So you decide to wait.
Maybe you'll do it this weekend when you have more time. Or maybe you'll wait until you have a full afternoon and enough energy to get through the entire thing.
Except that time doesn't always come. And in the meantime, the project stays on your to-do list.
I see how this can become a bit of a cycle. We don't start because we're worried we won't finish, but then not starting means we're not making any progress either. We're putting so much pressure on ourselves to get something done in one sitting that we're overlooking what we could actually accomplish with the time we have.
When We Don't Finish, We Feel Like We Failed
Let's say you do get started. You've finally set aside some time, gathered everything you need, and decided that today is the day you're going to get this project done.
Maybe you've decided to meal prep for the week. You've pulled out recipes, made your grocery list, and started getting everything ready. But then the chicken takes a little longer to cook than you expected. Or maybe halfway through, you realize you're out of garlic. And you NEED garlic. So now you have to stop, run to the store, or put the rest off until another day.
And instead of feeling good about what you accomplished, you're focusing on the fact that you didn't finish.
You still have meals to prepare, and now you're frustrated that you didn't get everything done.
It's easy to focus on what's left rather than what you actually got done. If we didn't finish the task, it can feel like the time we spent working on it didn't really count. We don't get that sense of satisfaction that comes with completing something, and instead we're left thinking about everything that's still unfinished.
But why does an unfinished project have to mean we didn't accomplish something?
We can spend 30 minutes working on something, make a dent in it, and still have something to feel good about. Maybe we didn't finish meal prepping for the entire week, however, we still got three meals ready that otherwise might not have been prepared at all. There might be more left to do, but that doesn't mean the progress we made doesn't count.
When Unfinished Projects Start to Change How We See Ourselves
I think this is where things can start to have a bigger impact. When we repeatedly have experiences where we start something but struggle to return to it, or we don't finish something when we intended to, we can start questioning our ability to get things done in the first place.
Those half-finished household projects can start to feel like physical evidence that we can't follow through, or that we have to do it all at once for something to get done. Every time we walk past the closet we started organizing, or see the project that's been sitting in the garage for months, we're reminded of something we started but didn't finish.
And after enough of those experiences, it's easy to start wondering whether we can actually trust ourselves to follow through. We might begin to see these unfinished projects as evidence that we're just not someone who finishes what they start, and over time, that can become the narrative we tell ourselves.
That can make it even harder to try something new. We might already be anticipating that we're going to lose interest, run out of energy, or never get back to it once we stop.
If we already believe we're not going to finish, why bother starting?
I do think it's important to separate having difficulty doing something from what we've started to believe about our ability to do it.
ADHD can absolutely make it harder to return to tasks. Executive functioning challenges can add another layer to getting started again, especially when we've lost our place or have to figure out where to pick things back up.
But struggling to restart something doesn't mean we're incapable of following through. And having unfinished projects doesn't mean we're someone who can't get things done.
There's a difference between recognizing that something is difficult for us and deciding that it's something we can't do. I don't want to minimize the actual challenges that come with ADHD, but I also don't want those challenges to become the only thing we see when we think about our ability to get things done.
Giving Ourselves Permission to Stop
So what would it look like to approach things a little differently?
I don't think the answer is simply to break everything down into smaller steps. That can certainly help, but it doesn't necessarily address the expectation that we have to finish what we start.
Part of this might be allowing ourselves to start something without knowing exactly how far we'll get.
What if we started a project knowing we might not finish it that day? What if we worked on something for the time and energy we have available, rather than waiting until we have enough of both to do it all?
That might mean changing what we're actually trying to accomplish. Instead of making the goal to organize the entire closet, maybe we start with one section. Instead of expecting to finish a project in an afternoon, maybe we're just trying to make some progress.
And if we do need to stop, there are things we can do to make it a little easier to come back. Maybe that's leaving a note about where we stopped, keeping the materials together, or figuring out what the next step will be before walking away.
These things won't necessarily make restarting easy, and we might still have a hard time getting back into it. But they can give us somewhere to start rather than having to figure everything out all over again.
There's also the part that isn't quite as easy to solve. We might not like leaving something unfinished. We might worry that we'll lose momentum or that we'll never get back to it. Those feelings can still be there, even when we're trying to approach things differently.
But we don't necessarily have to wait until that worry goes away before we get started. We can recognize that stopping might be uncomfortable and still give ourselves the opportunity to make some progress.
And when we do stop, it's worth paying attention to what we're telling ourselves. Are we only looking at what we didn't finish? Are we overlooking the time and effort we put in because we didn't get to the end?
We can be frustrated that something isn't finished and still recognize that we got something done.
Building Trust in Our Ability to Follow Through
I think part of rebuilding trust in ourselves is changing how we approach the things we want to get done. Instead of automatically thinking about the entire project and everything it will take to finish, we can start by thinking about what we realistically have the time and energy to do.
Maybe I don't have the time or energy to completely reorganize my closet today, however, I might have enough time to pull out the clothes I no longer wear. That might not be everything I originally wanted to accomplish, but it's still progress. And it's something I can feel good about getting done.
When we set realistic expectations for what we can accomplish, we give ourselves a better opportunity to actually feel good about the work we've done. And that matters. When we walk away feeling accomplished rather than frustrated that we didn't finish everything, we may be more motivated to come back to it. Maybe I feel good about finally pulling out the clothes I no longer wear, and that makes me more interested in coming back another day and organizing my sweaters.
That doesn't mean restarting will suddenly become easy, or that we'll always feel motivated to return. But it gives us a different experience to build on. Instead of seeing another unfinished project as evidence that we can't follow through, we can start to recognize that we're capable of getting things done, even if we don't do everything at once.
We don't have to know exactly when or how we'll finish something before we're willing to begin. Sometimes building trust in ourselves starts with allowing our goals to fit the time and energy we actually have, and recognizing that what we accomplish along the way matters, too.
You don't have to finish the entire project to feel good about what you've accomplished. And sometimes, feeling good about that progress is what makes you want to come back.