Slips, Lapses, and Relapses: Why ED Recovery Isn’t a Straight Line

Recovery isn’t a straight line, as much as we may like it to be.

Detours happen. Emotions come up. Old patterns can resurface. And when they do, it can feel discouraging, even scary, like you’ve “messed up” or “gone backwards.” It’s important to not give into these thoughts and remember that healing is still happening, even when it feels messy.

In eating disorder recovery, it’s important to understand the difference between slips, lapses, and relapses—because not every setback means you’re back at square one.

What does it mean to be “in recovery”?

Being “in recovery” from an eating disorder can mean different things to different people. For some, recovery is about no longer engaging in disordered behaviors—a focus on food freedom and body trust. For others, recovery is about working toward peace with food and body, even if thoughts still pop up from time to time.

Recovery might mean:

• Learning how to eat regularly and consistently

• Challenging food rules and fears

• Reconnecting with your body’s cues for hunger and fullness

• Replacing shame with compassion

• Building a life that feels bigger than the eating disorder

It’s not a single finish line—it’s a process. And just because your version of recovery doesn’t look like someone else’s doesn’t mean it’s “less valid.”

Recovery isn’t all-or-nothing

This is where many people get stuck: they assume recovery means never struggling again. But the reality is, recovery often includes slips, lapses, and sometimes even relapses. These moments don’t cancel out your progress—they’re simply part of the journey.

In fact, setbacks can become some of the most valuable parts of recovery. Each time you slip or lapse, you’re given the chance to practice responding differently than you would have in the past. Struggle isn’t proof of failure—it’s an opportunity to strengthen your ability to navigate life in recovery and build resiliency.

Slips, Lapses, and Relapses

• Slip – A slip is a small, brief return to an old behavior. Maybe you skip a snack, overexercise one day, or find yourself using a disordered thought pattern in a stressful moment. Slips happen. They don’t erase your progress.

• Lapse – A lapse is a little bigger than a slip. It might last longer, or involve more than one behavior. Think of it as a bump in the road rather than a full detour. You may feel shaken, but you can still course-correct quickly with support and compassion.

• Relapse – A relapse means returning more consistently to disordered patterns and stepping away from your recovery tools. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it just means extra support is needed to get back on track.

Why naming this matters

When you can identify what’s happening, you take back power from shame. A slip doesn’t have to spiral into a relapse. A lapse doesn’t undo months of progress. Recovery is about learning to notice, name, and respond differently each time.

Recovery Has No Timeline

It’s so easy to fall into the trap of comparing your recovery to someone else’s. Maybe you’ve heard stories of people who “just stopped” their eating disorder behaviors and never looked back, or you’ve seen others who seem to move forward without stumbling. That can make your own ups and downs feel discouraging.

It’s important to remember that everyone’s recovery timeline is unique. For some, progress feels steady. For others, it feels like two steps forward, one step back. Neither is wrong. Healing isn’t about speed or how “linear” it looks—it’s about continuing to return to your values and your recovery goals, no matter how many times you need to reroute.

Recovery isn’t a race. There’s no finish line you have to cross in a certain amount of time. What matters most is that you keep showing up for yourself, again and again.

Recovery as a road trip

Think of recovery like going on a cross-country road trip. You’ve left your starting point behind (living fully in the eating disorder) and you’re on your way to a new destination (freedom, peace, and trust with yourself).

Along the way, things might not always go as planned—you could hit construction, run into bad weather, or take a wrong exit. These detours might slow you down, however they don’t teleport you back to where you started. You’re still on the road, still moving forward, still closer to your destination than when you began.

What to do when a setback happens

• Pause and check in with yourself—what triggered the slip or lapse?

• Practice self-compassion instead of shame.

• Look for the lesson: what can this experience teach you about navigating challenges in the future?

• Reach out to your support system or treatment team.

• Remind yourself: This is part of the process. I am still moving forward.

Planning Ahead in Recovery

While slips, lapses, and relapses can happen, it doesn’t mean we’re powerless. One of the most empowering parts of recovery is learning how to plan for challenges before they come up.

When we think about recovery as a journey, part of the road trip is packing wisely—knowing what you might need if detours show up. This doesn’t mean you’re expecting yourself to “fail,” rather setting yourself up with tools and supports to lean on if obstacles do show up. Think of it like packing an extra change of clothes that you might not need; however you want to have just in case.

Some things you might include in your ED recovery plan:

• Recognizing triggers – Certain environments, stressors, or emotions may make urges stronger. Naming these ahead of time takes away their power to surprise you.

• Identifying early warning signs – Maybe you notice more food/body thoughts, increased anxiety, or urges to isolate. Catching these early gives you the chance to respond before behaviors take hold.

• Choosing how to respond – Planning grounding tools, coping strategies, or who you’ll reach out to if you notice a slip can help you shift back into a recovery mindset more quickly.

• Naming ways to not respond - Identifying unhelpful and maladaptive coping skills and behaviors that lead you further away from the recovery path

• Using your support system – Sharing your plan with a therapist, dietitian, or trusted friend helps you feel less alone and makes it easier to ask for support when you need it.

Recovery planning is about building resilience, not perfection. Every time you practice noticing triggers and responding differently, you strengthen your recovery muscles. Just like a road trip, the more maps and tools you bring along, the more confident you feel navigating whatever comes your way.

Common Myths About ED Recovery

• Myth 1: Recovery means I’ll never have food or body image struggles again.
  Recovery doesn’t erase every hard thought—it changes your relationship to them. You can have a thought without acting on it.

• Myth 2: If I slip, I’ve ruined my recovery.
  Not true. Slips are normal and expected. They’re information, not proof of failure.

• Myth 3: Everyone’s recovery should look the same.
  Your recovery is unique. Comparing your timeline to someone else’s only fuels shame—it doesn’t speed up healing.

• Myth 4: Recovery should feel linear and steady.
  In reality, recovery often feels like two steps forward, one step back. Progress is measured over time, not in a single moment.

The bigger picture

Being in eating disorder recovery doesn’t mean you never struggle. It means you are committed to showing up, trying again, and building a healthier relationship with yourself.

Healing isn’t about perfection. It’s about persistence. Each struggle is not a reset, but a chance to grow stronger and prepare for the road ahead.

So when slips, lapses, or even relapses happen, remember: you are still doing the work. You are still moving forward. Be gentle with yourself. Keep going.

Recovery is not about never falling, but about learning how to stand up again and again. Every step forward counts, even if it feels small.

ADHD & Perfectionism: A Hidden Struggle

You go to put a stack of clean clothes away in your closet. Simple enough, right? But as soon as you open the door, you notice the hangers are mismatched, the shoes are a mess on the floor, and suddenly it feels like you can’t just put the clothes away—you need to reorganize the entire closet.

And then? You shut the door and walk away. The clothes sit in a pile, and the shame starts creeping in.

That’s ADHD perfectionism in action. On the surface, ADHD and perfectionism don’t sound like they’d go together. ADHD is often described as impulsive, scattered, forgetful. Perfectionism sounds like the opposite: precise, controlled, flawless. But for many people with ADHD, the two are deeply connected—and perfectionism often serves a function.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is more than just “wanting to do well.” At its core, it’s the belief that anything less than flawless is unacceptable. It often shows up as:

• Unrealistic expectations: Expecting yourself to achieve more than what’s humanly possible.

• Fear of mistakes: Viewing errors as failures instead of learning opportunities.

• Tying worth to performance: Believing your value comes only from what you accomplish.

• All-or-nothing thinking: If something isn’t perfect, it feels like it doesn’t count at all.

Perfectionism is the voice that says:

• “If it’s not flawless, it doesn’t count.”

• “If I make a mistake, I’ve failed.”

• “I’ll only be worthy if I do this perfectly.”

It ties your self-worth to performance and sets the bar impossibly high. And while it can sometimes push you to do great work, most of the time it leaves you anxious, procrastinating, self-doubt, intense pressure and falling into cycles of avoidance.

How Perfectionism Functions in ADHD

For someone with ADHD, perfectionism can act as both a shield and a coping strategy. Many people with ADHD grow up hearing they are “careless,” “lazy,” or “not living up to potential.” Striving for perfection becomes a way to prove those labels wrong.

• A shield against criticism: If something is perfect, no one can call it sloppy or incomplete.

• A way to find structure: ADHD brains crave clarity. Believing there’s a “perfect” way to do something can simplify choices and reduce overwhelm.

• An energy driver: Sometimes the only way to spark motivation is by holding yourself to the highest possible standard, even if it’s unsustainable.

But perfectionism comes with a hidden cost. The pressure to do something perfectly often leads to procrastination—if it can’t be done flawlessly, it feels safer not to start at all. That creates a frustrating cycle of avoidance, missed deadlines, and guilt, feeding right back into the ADHD shame spiral.

Perfectionism and Rejection Sensitivity

One of the lesser-talked-about ADHD traits is rejection sensitivity—a heightened emotional response to real or perceived criticism, rejection, or disapproval. For many with ADHD, rejection doesn’t just sting; it feels crushing.

Perfectionism becomes a defense mechanism against that pain. If the work, the project, or even the way you show up in relationships is “perfect,” then maybe there won’t be room for rejection. It’s an attempt to shield yourself from the heartbreak of being told you’re not enough.

Of course, this isn’t foolproof. Perfection doesn’t guarantee acceptance, and the pressure of maintaining it can be exhausting. Still, the drive for flawlessness often makes sense in the context of protecting against rejection sensitivity.

The Brain-Based Side of Perfectionism in ADHD

ADHD isn’t just about willpower—it’s about brain wiring. Perfectionism often develops as a way to navigate some of these neurobiological realities:

• Executive function challenges: ADHD impacts planning, organization, and task initiation. If these skills feel shaky, the brain compensates by clinging to rigid standards—“If I can just do it perfectly, maybe I can keep things under control.”

• All-or-nothing thinking: ADHD brains often swing between extremes. Either you’re hyper focused and producing amazing work, or you’re stuck in paralysis. Perfectionism feeds this cycle—if it can’t be all the way “on,” it feels impossible to even start.

• The dopamine connection: ADHD brains struggle with motivation when tasks don’t feel immediately rewarding. Perfectionism creates a high-stakes environment that can trigger dopamine—waiting until the last minute, pushing for flawless results, or chasing the “perfect” idea can all give a rush of urgency and focus.

• Heightened emotional regulation difficulties: Criticism feels more intense for ADHD brains, so perfectionism is used as a buffer to avoid the flood of emotions that comes with rejection or disappointment.

In other words: perfectionism in ADHD isn’t just a personality quirk—it’s a brain-based survival strategy.

The ADHD + Perfectionism Cycle

Here’s how the cycle often plays out:

Imagine starting a task with good intentions, but then noticing it’s not “perfect.” That perfectionistic voice spikes anxiety and self-criticism, making you feel like you’re failing. For someone with ADHD, this can trigger procrastination, distractibility, or hyper-focus on tiny details instead of finishing the task. Avoidance or overcompensation follows—maybe you reorganize your desk, rewrite a draft, or endlessly tweak a project—temporarily relieving stress but not completing the work. The more the task feels “impossible,” the more ADHD-related challenges surface, feeding the perfectionism even further. This creates a repeating loop: ADHD makes perfection hard to achieve, and perfectionism amplifies ADHD struggles, leaving motivation and confidence drained.

1. Start task with good intentions→ often with unrealistic expectations

2. Perfectionism kicks in → task feels “wrong” or “not good enough”

3. Anxiety & self-criticism rise → ADHD symptoms increase (distraction, procrastination, hyper-focus)

4. Avoidance or overcompensation → reorganizing, tweaking, delaying

5. Temporary relief but no progress → feeds back into perfectionism

This loop is exhausting—but also very common for ADHD brains. Naming it is the first step to breaking it.

Common myths about ADHD and perfectionism

• Myth: “People with ADHD don’t care about details.”

  • Reality: Many care deeply—but fear of not getting it right often keeps them from even starting.

• Myth: “ADHD is all chaos, perfectionism is all control—they can’t coexist.”

  • Reality: They coexist often. Perfectionism is a coping mechanism to create order in the chaos.

• Myth: “Perfectionism means you’re just being too picky.”

  • Reality: For ADHD, perfectionism usually comes from fear—of mistakes, of criticism, of rejection—not from fussiness.

Everyday ways this shows up

Perfectionism in ADHD often shows up in everyday life in ways people might not expect:

• Cleaning the house: You avoid starting because you believe you need hours to do it “the right way”—every corner spotless, every drawer organized. So the dishes pile up, and the task feels heavier each day.

• School or work projects: You spend hours tweaking fonts, formatting, or re-writing one sentence instead of finishing the assignment, because it has to be “just so.”

• Emails or texts: You rewrite a simple message five times before sending, worrying it might be misunderstood or sound “wrong.”

• Creative projects: You never share your art, writing, or music because it doesn’t feel “ready” yet—and sometimes it never gets shared at all.

Practical Strategies for Loosening Perfectionism’s Grip

Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean giving up on quality. It means creating space for flexibility, self-compassion, and realistic expectations. Here are a few ways to start:

1. Redefine “done.” Instead of asking, “Is this perfect?” ask, “Is this complete and good enough to serve its purpose?”

2. Use time limits. Give yourself a set amount of time to work on something, and when the timer goes off, move on—even if it feels unfinished.

3. Shrink the task. Instead of cleaning the whole house, commit to doing the dishes for five minutes. Often, starting small breaks the avoidance cycle.

4. Challenge the “what ifs.” Ask yourself, “What would actually happen if this isn’t perfect?” Most of the time, the consequences are far less severe than the perfectionist brain imagines.

5. Practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that mistakes are part of learning—and that imperfection doesn’t erase your worth.

6. Celebrate progress, not perfection. ADHD brains thrive on reward—acknowledge small wins so the brain starts associating progress with positive reinforcement.

Final Thoughts

ADHD and perfectionism may seem like opposites, but they are often deeply intertwined. Perfectionism can serve as a way to manage overwhelm, shield against criticism, and protect from rejection sensitivity. On a brain-based level, it also provides dopamine boosts, compensates for executive function struggles, and offers a sense of control in an unpredictable world.

The trick is learning when it’s helping you—and when it’s keeping you stuck. Because at the end of the day, “good enough” really is enough. And often, it’s the thing that finally gets you moving forward.

Setting Boundaries — Why Pushback is Normal

When you first start setting boundaries, you may notice resistance. Friends, family, or coworkers may react with frustration, confusion, or even anger. This often leaves people wondering: Am I doing something wrong?

The truth is, pushback is normal — and often a sign that you’re creating healthy change. Boundaries aren’t about being harsh; they’re about honoring your own needs, time, and energy. At their core, they are an act of self-respect.

Why Boundaries Are Important — and How They Strengthen Relationships

At first, boundaries can feel like walls. You may worry that saying no or protecting your time will push people away. But the truth is the opposite: healthy boundaries create stronger, more respectful, and more authentic connections.

Here’s why:

1. They Build Trust.
   When you’re clear about your limits, others know where they stand with you. They don’t have to guess what’s “too much” or worry they’re crossing invisible lines. That clarity fosters safety and mutual respect.

2. They Reduce Resentment.
   Without boundaries, it’s easy to overextend yourself — and then feel drained, taken advantage of, or resentful. Boundaries prevent burnout, which allows you to show up for others with more genuine care.

3. They Encourage Mutual Respect.
   When you honor your own needs, you model self-respect. Over time, others learn to respect your limits — and it gives them permission to honor their own as well.

4. They Create Space for Authenticity.
   Relationships thrive when people can show up as their true selves. Boundaries protect that authenticity by ensuring you’re not just going along to keep the peace. They let you say, “This is who I am, and this is what I need.”

5. They Deepen Connection.
   Far from pushing people away, boundaries allow for more meaningful closeness. Instead of being built on obligation or guilt, the relationship is grounded in honesty, consent, and mutual care.

The Bottom Line: Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out. They’re about creating relationships where both people feel respected, valued, and safe. Healthy boundaries free you from resentment and invite others into more authentic, balanced connection.

Why Pushback Happens

People become accustomed to the roles we play and the access they’ve had to our time, energy, and emotional labor. When you shift those patterns, it can feel disruptive to them, even if the new boundary is healthier for you both.

Think of it like this: Setting a boundary is like giving a child a bedtime when they’ve never had one before. At first, there may be protests. They might argue, cry, or test limits — not because the bedtime is bad, but because it’s new. Over time, structure creates safety and well-being.

The same thing happens with adults. When you begin setting boundaries, people who are used to unlimited access to you may resist. They might push back, guilt-trip, or try to test the limits — not necessarily because your boundary is unfair, but because it’s unfamiliar. Just like children eventually adjust and even thrive within structure, adults in your life can also learn to adapt to your boundaries over time.

When you establish a limit, you’re not only protecting yourself — you’re also teaching others how to treat you. This is self-respect in action: showing that your needs and well-being are just as important as anyone else’s.

What Pushback Really Means

It’s not a sign that your boundary is wrong.
It’s a sign you’re disrupting an old pattern.
It’s a chance to practice self-respect and remind yourself that your worth isn’t defined by pleasing others.
It’s an opportunity for growth — for you and your relationships.

Facing pushback can be tough. However, it’s essential to hold steady with the boundary you’ve set. If we back down each time resistance shows up, we may unintentionally be communicating that our boundaries aren’t actually serious, and that future ones can also be tested or ignored. When pushback happens, it’s helpful to come back to your why: the reason you set the boundary in the first place. Boundaries aren’t about punishment; they’re about protecting your well-being and creating the foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

How to Set Boundaries When There’s Pushback

1. Stay calm and consistent. Don’t match the intensity of the pushback. Hold your boundary with steady confidence.

   • Example: “I understand this is frustrating, but I won’t be available to talk after 9 p.m.”

2. Use clear, simple language. Avoid over-explaining or apologizing excessively. Boundaries don’t require justification to be valid.

   • Example: “I can’t lend money right now.” (You don’t need to give 10 reasons why.)

3. Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t bend. Empathy can soften resistance, but it doesn’t mean giving in.

   • Example: “I hear that this is hard for you, and I still need to stick with what I said.”

4. Remind yourself why you set the boundary. Boundaries are about your well-being, not controlling others’ comfort.

5. Practice self-respect. Each time you enforce a boundary, you reinforce the truth: My needs are important, and I deserve to honor them.

The Takeaway

Boundaries are not about building walls — they’re about choosing self-respect, clarity, and healthier connections. If you experience pushback, remember: the discomfort is temporary, but the benefits — stronger relationships, more peace, and greater authenticity — are lasting.

Every time you set a boundary, you reinforce the message: My needs matter. I respect myself enough to protect them.

Living With Intention — Steering Your Own Ship

Many of us go through life on autopilot: answering emails the moment they arrive, saying yes before we pause to think, or scrolling endlessly without noticing time pass. Autopilot can feel efficient, but often, it pulls us away from what truly matters. We may end the day feeling busy but empty, reacting to life rather than shaping it.

Have you ever driven somewhere and suddenly realized you arrived without remembering the drive itself? That’s a perfect example of autopilot: moving forward, but not fully aware or present. The same can happen in life—days, weeks, or even months can slip by without us noticing if our actions align with our values.

What It Means to Live Intentionally

Living with intention doesn’t mean controlling every detail of life. It’s not about perfection, over-planning, or rigid routines. Instead, it’s about pausing long enough to notice your options and make conscious choices instead of letting life make them for you.

Intentional living is:

• Saying yes to what aligns with your values. This could be dedicating time to a creative hobby, nurturing meaningful relationships, or taking on work that feels purposeful.

• Saying no to what drains you. Protect your energy by turning down obligations, social invitations, or habits that don’t serve your goals.

• Creating space for people, practices, and goals that matter most. Whether it’s scheduling weekly time for self-reflection, exercise, or connecting with loved ones, intentional living requires deliberate space-making.

A Helpful Metaphor

Imagine you’re in a boat without a paddle. You may drift quickly, but the current decides where you go. That’s life on autopilot: fast, reactive, and often misaligned with your deeper goals.

Now imagine picking up the paddle. You can’t control the waves or the current, but you can steer toward what matters. Some days, the paddle will feel heavy, and progress may be slow—but even a small adjustment in direction keeps you moving toward your values.

Small Actions, Big Impact

Intentionality doesn’t require giant life changes. It can start with a single daily choice:

• Taking a five-minute pause before replying to a stressful email.

• Choosing to walk outside instead of scrolling on your phone.

• Reflecting on your day before bed: “Did my actions today reflect my values?”

Each small choice strengthens your ability to navigate life with awareness and purpose.

7-Day Intentional Living Challenge

Start steering your life toward what truly matters with this simple, week-long challenge. Each day focuses on a small, intentional action to build awareness and momentum.

Day 1: Pause Before You Respond
Before answering any email, text, or request today, take a deep breath and ask: “Does this align with my priorities or values?” Respond consciously rather than automatically.

Day 2: Identify One Energy Drainer
Notice one activity, obligation, or habit that consistently drains you. Today, say “no,” delegate it, or limit it. Track how it feels to reclaim this energy.

Day 3: Schedule Something Meaningful
Block out at least 30 minutes for something that nurtures your values—reading, a walk, creative time, connecting with a loved one. Treat it as non-negotiable.

Day 4: Reflect and Journal
Spend 10 minutes journaling about your choices today. Did they reflect your values? What felt aligned, and what felt automatic or reactive?

Day 5: Mindful Movement
Incorporate intentional movement today—yoga, stretching, or a walk—while fully noticing your body and surroundings. Focus on being present rather than rushing through.

Day 6: Declutter One Space
Pick one area—your desk, email inbox, or a drawer—and intentionally clear it. Physical decluttering reinforces mental clarity and the habit of conscious choice.

Day 7: Celebrate Small Wins
Reflect on the week. Identify 2–3 intentional choices you made that felt meaningful. Celebrate them—this reinforces your capacity for deliberate action and builds momentum.

Tip: After the week, repeat the challenge, gradually adding more intentional choices. Over time, these small actions become habits, helping you live with direction rather than drift.

Reflection Questions: Finding Your Autopilot Moments

Take a few minutes to answer these questions to identify where you’ve been drifting and where to start paddling:

1. When today or this week, did you act automatically rather than intentionally?

2. What activities or obligations consistently leave you feeling drained or misaligned?

3. Which moments brought you energy, joy, or a sense of purpose?

4. If you could steer your life in one direction this week, what small action would you take today to begin that course?

The Takeaway

You don’t need to control everything. You just need to steer. Living with intention means noticing the currents of your life and making conscious choices, even when the waves feel strong. Every choice — no matter how small — is a step toward a values-driven, fulfilling life.

Start today: pick one area where you’ve been drifting—maybe it’s your mornings, your work, or your social time. Pause, reflect, and choose one intentional action that aligns with your values. Steering your course doesn’t require perfection, only awareness.

ADHD, Goal Setting & the Fear of Losing Momentum

Living with ADHD often means living with big dreams and just as big frustrations. You might have heard—and even tried—the classic advice: “Break big goals into small steps.”

And yet… even when you know that strategy works, you might avoid it. Why?

For many people with ADHD, there’s a hidden fear at play:

“If I stop, I might never start again.”

That worry can shape the way you approach motivation, productivity, and even your sense of self-trust. Let’s break down why this happens—and what can help.

The “All-or-Nothing” ADHD Mindset

When you finally catch a wave of focus, it feels precious. You ride the momentum hard, because deep down you worry: “If I pause, I’ll lose it.”

This can lead to pushing yourself until exhaustion, skipping breaks, or resisting small steps in favor of “one big push.”

The reality is:

• Momentum does sometimes fade.

• That doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

• It means your brain works in rhythms, not in straight lines.

The Avoidance Cycle

Another layer of this struggle is the avoidance cycle. When a task feels overwhelming—or when the fear of losing momentum kicks in—it’s easy to avoid starting altogether. Avoidance is one of those coping strategies that feels good in the moment but costs us more over time. So while avoidance is often used as a coping strategy, it is important to remember that it is a maladaptive way to cope despite the instant gratification we might feel in the moment.

Here’s how the cycle plays out:

1. Event – Something comes up that feels overwhelming, stressful, or uncomfortable. (Example: a big work task, paying bills, or even putting clothes away.)

2. Discomfort – Anxiety, fear, self-doubt, or overwhelm sets in. The body and brain signal: “This feels bad. Let’s escape.”

3. Avoidance – We decide to delay or not do the task. Maybe we scroll, distract, or walk away.

4. Instant Relief – For a short while, it feels better. The stress quiets down and we feel like we’ve escaped the pressure.

5. Increased Stress & Shame (Long-Term) – The problem hasn’t gone away; it’s still waiting. Now, guilt, shame, and more pressure build on top of the original discomfort.

Then the cycle repeats. Each time we avoid, the momentary relief teaches our brain that avoidance works—even though the long-term cost is higher. Over time, the discomfort and shame multiply with each round. That makes the task feel bigger, scarier, and more loaded the next time we face it. It’s not just about the task anymore—it’s also about the shame of not doing it earlier.

Avoidance works in the short term because it relieves the pressure. Think about doing the dishes. At first, leaving them in the sink feels easier than tackling them right away. Avoiding them brings a quick wave of relief.

But the longer you wait, the more the pile grows—and the harder it feels to start. Suddenly, a simple 5-minute task looks like a mountain. We go from a couple dishes in the sink, to a sink filled with dishes overflowing on to the countertops.

ADHD often magnifies this pattern. Small steps get delayed until they feel impossible. Avoidance builds on itself. And shame starts to whisper: “Why can’t I just do this?”

Shame & ADHD

This is where the shame spiral kicks in. Many people with ADHD grow up hearing they’re “lazy,” “unmotivated,” or “inconsistent.” So, when momentum slips, shame rushes in to confirm those old stories. This ends up feeding into shame.

When we buy into shame’s narrative (“I’m lazy,” “I’ll never get it together,” “Something’s wrong with me”), it chips away at self-esteem in a few ways:

• Identity fusion: Instead of seeing a behavior (“I avoided that task”), shame convinces us it’s an identity (“I am a failure”).

• Erosion of self-trust: Each time shame takes over, it feels harder to believe we can follow through next time.

• Internalized criticism: Over time, the voice of shame can sound like our default inner voice, making self-compassion feel unnatural or even undeserved.

The result? A fragile sense of self-worth that feels conditional on productivity or perfection.

When we replace shame with curiosity and compassion, the opposite happens:

• Self-esteem strengthens (“I can struggle and still be worthy”).

• Motivation shifts from fear-driven to values-driven (“I want to move toward what matters, not just away from failure”).

• The avoidance cycle weakens, because mistakes become learning moments instead of proof of inadequacy.

Reframes can look like:

• Avoidance is not laziness—it’s a coping strategy.

• Shame is not proof of failure—it’s a signal you need more compassion, not criticism.

• Progress isn’t erased because you paused—you can always re-enter.

Instead of helping us “try harder,” shame drains energy, focus, and hope. Feeding into shame erodes self-esteem and sabotages motivation by keeping you stuck in avoidance—whereas compassion restores trust in yourself and makes small, sustainable action possible.

Willingness vs. Waiting for Motivation

One powerful skill for breaking the cycle is willingness.

Instead of waiting for the perfect wave of motivation, willingness asks:
Am I willing to take one small step, even if I don’t feel like it right now?

This could look like:

• Washing just one plate instead of the whole sink.

• Opening your computer, even if you’re not ready to write.

• Setting a timer for 5 minutes to “just start.”

Willingness lowers the stakes. It builds trust that you can move forward without waiting for the “perfect” mindset.

Practical Tools to Break the Cycle

1. Name the Fear

When you catch yourself hesitating, say it out loud:

• “I’m afraid to stop because momentum matters to me.”

• “This isn’t procrastination, it’s me protecting my focus.”

Naming it softens the shame.

2. Create Gentle Restart Points

Think of these as bookmarks for your brain.

• “Next time, I’ll just open the file.”

• “Tomorrow, I’ll reread the last sentence I wrote.”

Restart points reduce the pressure of “starting from scratch.”

3. Practice Willingness

Ask yourself: “What’s the smallest step I’m willing to take right now?” Then do only that.

4. Trust the Cycle

Focus will ebb and flow. That’s ADHD reality—not a personal flaw. Remind yourself:

• Pausing is not quitting.

• Breaks protect energy.

• Momentum can be rebuilt again and again.

Final Takeaway

If you live with ADHD, you don’t have to finish everything in one sitting. You don’t have to fear pauses. You don’t have to drown in shame when motivation slips.

Your progress doesn’t have to look perfect to be meaningful. With willingness, gentle restart points, and a compassionate view of the cycle, you can move toward your goals—without burning yourself out in the process.

Let’s Talk About Body Image

Because how you see yourself matters, and you’re not alone in the struggle.

Every day, people of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds silently wrestle with body image. In a culture filled with filtered photos, comparison traps, and unrealistic standards, it’s easy to feel like your body isn’t “enough.”

But here’s the truth: your worth was never meant to be measured in pounds, sizes, or perfection.

What Body Image Really Means

Body image is more than just how you look. It’s how you see, feel, and think about your body.

• It includes your self-talk when you look in the mirror.

• It shows up in how comfortable you feel in clothes, social settings, or even in your own skin.

• It can shape your confidence, relationships, and mental health.

When body image turns harsh or critical, it can chip away at self-worth and feed patterns of shame, dieting, or self-punishment.

The Real Problem: Pressure, Not Your Body

We live in a culture that often glorifies thinness, perfection, or “transformation” as the ultimate goal. Social media filters, curated images, and comparison culture reinforce the lie that there’s only one acceptable way to look.

But the truth is:

Your body doesn’t need to change. The pressure does.

It’s the unrealistic standards that are harmful, not your body.

Eating Disorders in the Media

Media portrayal of eating disorders is often narrow and misleading. Movies and shows may depict only the most extreme, life-threatening cases — usually featuring thin, white, young women.

This narrative leaves out the reality that:

• Eating disorders can affect people of all genders, races, sizes, and ages.

• Many struggle in silence with disordered eating patterns that don’t “look like” the stereotypes.

• Recovery is not just about food or weight — it’s about healing relationships with self, body, and identity.

When the media misrepresents EDs, it deepens stigma and can make people feel like their struggles are “not valid enough” to seek help.

Understanding the Body Image Spectrum

Body image isn’t just “good” or “bad.” It exists on a spectrum, and people may move between different points depending on the day, the season of life, or their healing journey.

Here’s a simplified way to think about it:

1. Negative Body Image

   • Feeling uncomfortable in your body

   • Harsh self-criticism and shame

   • Preoccupation with appearance or size

2. Body Neutrality

   • Shifting focus from looks to function

   • Recognizing, “My body lets me walk, breathe, hug, and live.”

   • Accepting that you don’t have to love every part of your body to treat it with care

3. Body Positivity

   • Actively celebrating body diversity

   • Challenging beauty standards and embracing differences

   • Reframing your body as worthy of joy, pleasure, and representation

4. Body Respect & Acceptance

   • Meeting your body with care, regardless of appearance

   • Nourishing and resting your body because it deserves it

   • Building sustainable self-compassion instead of conditional acceptance

Wherever you find yourself on this spectrum, it’s important to remember: none of these points are about perfection. They’re about relationship. And like any relationship, it can evolve over time.

Shifting Toward Healing

Healing body image isn’t about “learning to love every part of yourself overnight.” It’s about building a kinder, more compassionate relationship with yourself over time.

Here are a few gentle starting points:

✨ Notice your self-talk. When you catch harsh inner criticism, pause and ask, “Would I speak this way to a friend?”

✨ Appreciate function over form. Your body allows you to breathe, laugh, hug, and move through the world. Gratitude for what your body does can soften how you feel about how it looks.

✨ Curate your environment. Follow social media accounts that promote body diversity and body neutrality. Surround yourself with images and voices that celebrate different shapes and sizes.

✨ Practice self-compassion. Healing begins not with punishment but with kindness — meeting yourself with patience on the tough days.

You’re Not Alone

If you struggle with body image, know this: you are far from alone. Many people carry the same quiet battle — but silence makes it heavier.

The more we name these pressures, challenge them, and support each other, the more freedom we can create.

Your worth is not defined by a number, a size, or a reflection. You deserve to live in your body without shame — and to meet yourself with the same compassion you’d offer anyone you love.

🌿 Healing starts when we stop punishing ourselves and start showing kindness to ourselves instead.