When Setbacks Become Self Criticism

One thing I notice often in therapy is that people usually come in wanting some type of change. They may want to feel less anxious, improve their relationship with food, manage their emotions differently, strengthen their relationships, or simply feel more like themselves again.

While everyone's goals are different, there is often a common thread. People are coming to therapy because they want their quality of life to improve.

What I also notice is that many people become much harder on themselves during the process of change than they realize.

We often create unrealistic expectations for ourselves. We expect change to happen quickly. We expect ourselves to know what to do and then automatically be able to follow through. We expect setbacks to mean we are doing something wrong instead of recognizing that setbacks are often a normal part of the process.

But the reality is that change is hard.

And if change were easy, you probably would have already done it. The fact that you are sitting in therapy trying to understand why you keep getting stuck is a sign that you are working through something that’s difficult, even when we think it shouldn’t be hard.

The difficult part is that when change feels hard, this is often when negative self talk begins to show up.

"I should’t still be struggling with this."

"I know what to do. I am just choosing not to do it."

"Is there something wrong with me?”

"Why can’t I just do it?"

I hear these thoughts often from people who genuinely want things to be different. They may have learned coping skills, read books, made plans, and spent time trying to understand themselves. The frustration comes when knowing what to do does not automatically translate into being able to do it.

And I think this is where we can be really hard on ourselves.

We assume that if we know what would help, we should automatically be able to do it. But knowing what to do and being able to access that skill in the moment are two very different things.

When Struggling Turns Into Self Criticism

One example I see often is when a client comes into session frustrated because they did not use a coping skill we talked about the previous week. They may have had every intention of trying it. They may have left session feeling hopeful and confident that they would use the skill when they needed it. But then the moment came, emotions were high, and they forgot.

And this is often where the self criticism begins.

"I knew what I was supposed to do."

"We talked about this."

"I should have remembered."

"What is wrong with me?"

This is such an important moment to slow down. Because the question is not actually whether the coping skill worked or whether the person failed. The question is what made it difficult to access the skill in that moment.

Was the emotion too intense? Was the skill something that needed more practice before it became easier to use? Was there something happening that made it harder to remember? Did we need to create a different plan or add more support?

Using coping skills during difficult moments is a skill itself. It takes practice, repetition, and learning how to recognize what we need when emotions are high. Struggling to use a skill does not mean you are failing. It gives us information about what needs more attention.

This is often the shift I want people to make.

Moving from asking, "What is wrong with me?" to asking, "What happened, and what can I learn from this?" creates a very different opportunity for growth.

Why Being Hard on Ourselves Does Not Create Change

Negative self talk is not just problematic because it makes us feel bad. Over time, it can impact our confidence and our belief that we are capable of creating the change we are working toward. And that matters because change requires endurance. It requires us to keep showing up when things are difficult, when motivation is low, and when things do not go according to plan.

If every setback becomes evidence that we cannot change, it becomes much harder to continue moving forward. Instead of seeing a setback as information, we start seeing it as proof. Proof that we are not capable. Proof that we are failing. Proof that something is wrong with us. But a setback is not a statement about who we are.

It is information.

It gives us an opportunity to understand what happened and what might need to change moving forward.

The problem is, people can sometimes be hesitant to let go of negative self talk. I often hear people worry that if they stop being hard on themselves, they will stop trying. There can be a belief that we need the "tough love" approach. That if we stop criticizing ourselves, we will become unmotivated or stop holding ourselves accountable.

And I understand why this belief exists. For many people, self criticism has been a strategy they have relied on for a long time. It may feel like the thing that keeps them accountable or pushes them to do better.

But there is a difference between accountability and self criticism. Accountability allows us to look honestly at what happened, understand what contributed to the outcome, and consider what we want to do differently moving forward. Self criticism takes a different approach. Instead of helping us understand the problem, it turns the problem into a statement about who we are.

Letting go of self criticism does not mean we stop caring about our goals. It does not mean we stop trying, and it doesn’t mean we let ourselves off the hook.

It means we choose a different way of moving forward.

Moving From Self Criticism to Curiosity

This is why I do not always start by immediately challenging negative thoughts or replacing them with positive affirmations.

Sometimes that approach can be helpful. But when someone is already stuck in a cycle of self criticism, trying to convince themselves that the opposite is true can sometimes feel like an internal argument.

I think about it like trying to argue with someone who has already decided they are right. The more you challenge them, the louder they may become. They may bring up more examples or find more evidence to support their point. Not because they are right, but because they are not in a place where they are able to hear something different.

I often think about negative self talk in a similar way.

Just because it gets louder does not mean it is right.

It means it has gotten our attention.

The goal is not to spend all of our energy arguing with it. The goal is to notice it and decide whether it is actually helping us move forward.

Instead of getting stuck trying to understand why we are the problem, we can become curious about what actually happened. We can look at what got in the way, what support we might need, what we can learn from the experience, and how we might approach things differently next time.

This is where we shift from feeling stuck and helpless into curiosity and action. The goal is not to completely get rid of negative self talk. Most of us will experience it from time to time and that is okay. What is more important is that when it shows up, can we notice whether it is helping us understand the problem or simply making us feel worse.

We can acknowledge that the thought showed up. We can understand why it appeared. But we do not have to feed into it. Change does not require us to get everything right the first, second or even third time. Change requires us to be willing to notice what is not working, learn from it, make adjustments, and try again.

Because in my experience, lasting change is rarely created through self criticism.

It is created through curiosity, flexibility, and a willingness to keep showing up, even when the process is difficult.

When You Know What Helps, But Still End Up in the Behavior

Understanding the Eating Disorder Cycle

One of the most common and frustrating things that comes up in eating disorder recovery is when someone is still engaging in behaviors they already know aren’t helpful for them.

They’ve talked through coping skills, they understand the alternatives, they understand the long term consequences, and they still find themselves going back to the eating disorder behavior in the moment.

And in that gap between knowing and doing, that’s usually where frustration starts to build. It can sound like, “I know this isn’t helpful for me, so why am I still doing it?” And pretty quickly, that turns into negative self-talk that can lead into shame, and at times hopelessness in the recovery journey.

Immediate Gratification and Avoidance

In these moments, I like to slow things down and talk about avoidance and immediate gratification.

First off, our brains are conditioned to move toward things that make us feel better in the short term, and unfortunately eating disorder behaviors often provide that sense of immediate relief or gratification. In those moments, the focus is on feeling better right now, not on long-term impact. Or if there is awareness of the long-term impact, it often feels less important in the moment compared to the relief the behavior brings.

The other side of this is avoidance.

Often, eating disorder behaviors function as a form of maladaptive coping. We feel some sort of discomfort, and engaging in the behavior helps reduce that distress or distracts us from having to fully sit with it.

That discomfort can look different for different people. Sometimes it's anxiety, overwhelm, uncertainty, loneliness, boredom, hurt, guilt, or simply having a difficult day. Sometimes the behavior is helping someone feel more in control. Sometimes it's creating a distraction from a painful emotion, or helping them avoid something they don't know how to cope with yet.

As I have talked about the avoidance cycle in previous blogs, we are also reinforcing this pattern every time we engage in the eating disorder behavior and it reduces discomfort, which makes it more likely to show up again in the future.

Making Sense of the Pattern (and Reducing Shame)

The biggest thing we can do here is start understanding why we still fall back into eating disorder behaviors even when we have coping skills, and give ourselves grace in these moments.

Often, the eating disorder behavior is providing relief, distraction, or a sense of control quickly enough to outweigh other coping strategies in the moment.

Something I often bring into sessions is that instead of asking, "Why did I do that?" from a place of criticism, it can be more helpful to ask, "What was going on for me that made that behavior make sense in the moment?"

When we approach the behavior from a place of shame, it often becomes a dead end. We get stuck focusing on judging ourselves rather than understanding what was happening. When that happens, we often stop digging any deeper into the behavior and miss the opportunity to understand what was actually going on and what we might need moving forward.

The more we understand what was happening leading up to the behavior and what the behavior was doing for us, the more opportunity we have to respond differently next time.

Knowing what to do and being able to do it are often two very different parts of recovery.

The Well-Worn Path

One way I like to think about this is as a well-worn path. For many people, the eating disorder has been around for a while, which means those thoughts, behaviors, and coping patterns have been traveled over and over again. The path is familiar.

Recovery is the process of creating a new path. However building a new path takes time, energy, and repetition. Along the way, there will be moments where we find ourselves back on the old path because it is the one our brain knows best.

Often, this is where shame shows up. We tell ourselves we are back where we started, that all of our progress is gone, or that we should be further along by now. But finding yourself back on the old path doesn't erase the work you've done creating a new one. That new path still exists. It doesn't mean you've failed, and it doesn't mean recovery isn't working.

What Happens Next Matters

What matters most is what happens next.

Whether we move into self-criticism and shame, or whether we can pause long enough to understand what was happening in that moment and recognizing what the behavior was doing for us. From there, we can gently begin to think about what support might look like moving forward, without turning it into something we have to punish ourselves for.

Because that gap between knowing what to do and being able to put it into action doesn’t mean recovery isn’t possible. It’s a space where distress, learning, and change are all happening at the same time.

Recovery is often the process of continuing to choose the new path, even when the old one feels easier to find.

And when we do find ourselves back on that old path, the goal isn't to immediately judge the behavior or ourselves for having it. The goal is to choose recovery understanding what we might need to put in place moving forward.

Understanding the behavior doesn't make it okay. It simply gives us somewhere to go next.

You Can't Regulate What You Can't Identify: Why Emotional Vocabulary Matters

“Fine” Isn’t an Emotion

One of the things I often do in therapy is temporarily ban the word fine.

Not because it’s a bad word, but because it doesn’t actually tell us much about what is going on emotionally.

When I ask clients how they feel about something, I often hear responses like “fine,” “okay,” “good,” or “eh.” Sometimes, when I press a little further, I might hear words like “stressed,” “upset,” or “frustrated.”

There is nothing wrong with these responses. The problem is that many of us were never really taught how to identify emotions beyond a very basic level.

We learned happy, sad, mad, and scared. Maybe as we got older we added a few more words like stressed, overwhelmed, lonely, or frustrated.

But emotions are much more complex than that.

And honestly, even in basic everyday greetings of “How are you doing?” I notice the same pattern. I’ll respond with “good,” as my inner therapist is reminding me that good is not an actual answer. Good isn’t even a feeling. It tends to be more of a default response rather than an accurate reflection of what is actually going on internally.

We Can’t Name What We Don’t Have Words For

Imagine trying to describe every color you see using only a handful of color names.

You could probably get close, but you would miss a lot of the detail.

The same thing happens with emotions.

Sometimes what we call anger is actually hurt.

What we call anxiety may be uncertainty.

What we call frustration may be disappointment.

When we don’t have the vocabulary to accurately describe what we’re feeling, we often become disconnected from our emotional experiences. We know something feels uncomfortable, but we struggle to identify exactly what it is.

Emotions Don’t Exist in Isolation

One of the things I often discuss with clients is that emotions are connected.

What we think of as a primary emotion often has many layers underneath it. Emotions don’t show up in a single, simple form. They tend to be layered, influenced by our experiences, our thoughts, and the context we’re in.

For example, someone might feel sad after a friend cancels plans. However, when we slow down and look a little closer, we may realize that underneath that sadness they are actually feeling disappointed, embarrassed, or hurt. While the first emotional label might be “sad,” the deeper experience is often more layered than that.

This is one reason emotion feelings wheel can be so helpful. They remind us that there is often more to our emotional experience than simply feeling “mad” or “sad.”

The more specific we can become, the more clearly we can understand what we need.

Every Emotion Has Something to Tell Us

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about emotions is that some emotions are good and some emotions are bad.

While some emotions do not feel good, it makes sense that we would jump to label them as bad. However, just because they do not feel great to feel does not actually make them bad.

Emotions are information.

They tell us something about our experiences, relationships, needs, and environment.

Take anger, for example. Anger often gets a bad reputation, but anger is a protective emotion. It can show up when a boundary has been crossed, when something feels unfair, or when an important need is not being met.

The goal is not to get rid of anger. The goal is to understand what it may be trying to tell us.

The same is true for sadness, fear, guilt, shame, disappointment, and joy. Each emotion carries information.

Emotion Regulation Starts Here

When people think about emotion regulation, they often think about calming down, taking deep breaths, grounding, or using coping skills.

Those things can be helpful. Grounding skills can help our nervous system settle enough for us to think clearly and respond more intentionally.

However, if we stop there and never look at the emotion itself, we may not be getting our underlying needs met. Sometimes coping skills can become a temporary bandage rather than a way of understanding what is actually happening inside us.

Before we can effectively regulate an emotion, we have to identify it.

If we do not know what we are feeling, it becomes much harder to understand what we need or how to respond effectively.

The first step in emotion regulation is not controlling emotions.

It is recognizing them.

Because you cannot regulate what you cannot identify.

I challenge you to take notice of how often you describe yourself as feeling “fine.”

When you catch yourself using that word, pause for a moment and ask:

• What am I actually feeling?

• Is there a more specific emotion underneath the surface?

• What might this emotion be trying to tell me?

You may discover that “fine” was never the whole story.

Why So Many Moms Are Being Diagnosed With ADHD Around Perimenopause

Lately, I’ve been noticing a pattern in my work with moms coming in with a late ADHD diagnosis, often alongside questions about whether perimenopausal changes are playing a role in how they’re feeling.

The most consistent theme I hear is this:
“I used to be able to handle all of this.”

Not that things were ever easy, but they were manageable. Many describe a long history of quietly compensating, building systems, staying organized through effort, and pushing through even when it took a lot internally.

Then life expands.

Motherhood. Careers. Households. The constant mental load of keeping track of everyone and everything. And for many, this coincides with the hormonal shifts that can come with perimenopause.

And slowly, something starts to shift.

More mental clutter.
More things slipping through the cracks.
Decision fatigue that feels constant.
Executive functioning that used to feel “good enough” now feeling unreliable.
A growing sense of, “Why can’t I keep up the way I used to?”

To be clear, I’m not saying perimenopause causes ADHD. However I do think hormonal shifts, combined with increased life demands, can absolutely magnify ADHD traits, especially in people who have spent years compensating without realizing it.

And when stress goes up, the ability to compensate goes down.

That combination is often what brings people in.

Not because something new suddenly appeared, but because what used to be manageable is no longer sustainable in the same way.

ADHD in Women Why It Often Goes Unrecognized

I also think it’s important to name how often ADHD is missed in girls and women.

Many grow up without the more stereotypical “hyperactive” presentation we tend to associate with ADHD. Instead, it can outwardly look like being responsible, high achieving, anxious, perfectionistic, or constantly overextended, while internally feeling disorganized, overwhelmed, or mentally exhausted.

Because of this, ADHD can stay hidden for years, especially when someone is functioning well enough on the outside.

So when these moms come into therapy later in life, it’s not uncommon for them to feel some version of:
“How did I not see this before?”
and also
“Why is it getting harder now?”

ADHD, Perimenopause, and the Mental Load of Motherhood

What often shows up in this season is not a sudden onset of symptoms, but a tipping point.

Not less capability, but less margin to absorb everything.

The mental load of motherhood, combined with work, caregiving, household management, and constant decision making, already stretches executive functioning. When you layer in hormonal changes and long standing compensatory strategies, the system can start to feel overloaded. It’s a lot to hold at once.

This is often where things like forgetfulness, overwhelm, and difficulty staying organized become much more noticeable.

What Support Can Look Like in This Season

One of the most helpful reframes is that this isn’t about getting back to how things used to feel. A lot of people hold onto the idea of an old “normal,” but life often doesn’t actually look the same anymore. It becomes about adjusting what’s being asked of your system and working with your actual capacity rather than an assumed one.

Instead of relying on urgency, guilt, or last minute pressure to get things done, it can be more helpful to break tasks into smaller, more realistic steps and build in more external structure than you may have needed in the past.

It also often means getting more intentional about the foundations that impact executive functioning, sleep, emotional regulation, and nervous system load. Not as extras, but as supports that directly affect capacity.

And just as importantly, reducing the layer of shame that tends to build here.

Because for a lot of women, the hardest part isn’t just the symptoms themselves, it’s the internal narrative of “I should be able to handle this.”

When that shifts, there’s more space for actual support instead of self blame.

Whether that includes an ADHD evaluation, therapy, medication support, coaching, or simply naming what’s happening, the goal becomes less about pushing through and more about working with your system instead of against it.

Final Thoughts

What I try to hold most in these conversations is this:

Nothing about this means you are suddenly less capable or no longer a good mom.

It often means the demands have increased, the margin for coping has decreased, and the strategies that once worked are no longer enough for the load you’re carrying.

And that deserves support, not self blame.

When Your Child Is Falling Apart… and You’re Trying Not To

There are moments in parenting that just don’t make sense.

Your child is having a big reaction, crying, yelling, shutting down, and you’re standing there thinking, this doesn’t make sense… we’ve talked about this… I even got up 20 minutes early so this wouldn’t happen… why is this still happening?

And right there in the middle of it, you can feel your own emotions start to rise too. Frustration. Overwhelm. Sometimes even helplessness.

Because what often goes unspoken is this: in these moments, you’re trying to regulate two nervous systems at the same time. Your child’s and your own.

That’s a lot to carry.

Meltdowns vs. Tantrums

Sometimes what you’re seeing is a true meltdown. Your child is overwhelmed. Their system is overloaded, and in that moment, they don’t have access to the skills you know they have. It’s not that they’re refusing to use them, it’s that they literally can’t. Logic and reasoning don’t land because their brain is in survival mode. It can look like defiance or a child being difficult, but underneath it, they can’t calm down.

Other times, it may look more goal-driven. A push to see if something changes. A louder voice or bigger reaction to try to get a need met.

Honestly, these two can overlap and shift quickly.

But instead of getting stuck on labeling it perfectly, it can be more helpful to simply pause and ask: is my child overwhelmed right now, or are they trying to influence an outcome?

That can completely change how you respond.

Before You Respond, Check In With You

In these moments, there’s another step that gets missed all the time: checking in with yourself. As parents it’s second nature to put our child first. We don’t even think about it.

And sometimes, it can even feel selfish to pause and turn inward for even a second. My child is screaming… struggling… I need to fix this right now. I don’t have time to focus on me.

It can feel a bit like rushing out the door in the morning, your child is ready for school, but you’ve just thrown a hat on your head and a pullover over your pajamas. You’re technically “out the door,” but you haven’t actually had a moment to get yourself together.

That’s why we need to start asking ourselves, “where am I right now?” when our child is experiencing loud emotions.

Because your nervous system is in it too. You’re reacting, feeling, absorbing the intensity in the room.

And if you’re already at your limit, it becomes so much harder to stay steady in a way that actually helps things de-escalate.

This is where that “airplane oxygen mask” idea really matters. We have to make sure we are appropriately equipped to support, otherwise we won’t be of any use to anyone. Not as a perfect skill, but as a quick pause. A breath. A moment of awareness. A reminder that you don’t have to respond at full speed or full intensity.

You just have to be grounded enough to not add more fuel to what’s already happening.

Resolution Comes Later

The instinct in these moments is often to fix it. To talk it through. To explain. To make it stop.

For example, we might try to rehash rules, explain why the behavior wasn’t appropriate, and what should have happened instead. And what we often see is either the child’s behavior escalates further, turns into arguing, or they just straight up aren’t able to listen to us at all.

That’s because when a child is highly escalated, they’re not in a place where any of that can land.

They don’t need a lesson in that moment. They need support regulating their system first.

So the goal shifts. Less talking. Less teaching. More presence. More steadiness. Sometimes just sitting nearby and being a calm point in the middle of their storm is enough.

The processing, the teaching, the “what can we do differently next time” still matters. It just comes later, when their nervous system is back online.

The Bigger Picture

If this feels hard, it’s because it is hard.

You’re not just managing behavior. You’re navigating emotional intensity, supporting a dysregulated child, and managing your own internal reactions while it’s all happening in real time.

It’s incredibly hard to hold all of that at once.

We are human. As much as we want to be regulated at all times, especially with our children, there are going to be moments where emotions get the better of us. And in those spaces, we need to give ourselves grace.

Maybe I used a harsher tone than I should have. Maybe I jumped in too quickly. Maybe I tried to fix it before anyone was ready.

And instead of staying stuck there, we can pause and ask: how am I going to show up differently next time?

Not from a place of self-criticism, but from a place of building awareness.

Because sometimes the most important moment isn’t the one where everything goes well. It’s the one where we notice after the fact: that didn’t land the way I wanted it to.

And we come back to it anyway.

That’s the part our kids learn from.
Not that we get it right every time, but that we come back even after we don’t.

What If Loving Your Body Doesn’t Mean Loving It All the Time?

Why body image can feel so hard

I think a lot of times body image feels like such a struggle because we’re coming from two places at once.
First, we may already be starting from body dissatisfaction or even body hate.
Second, there’s this idea that the goal is to eventually get to a place where we absolutely love our body no matter what, and that we’ll never have negative thoughts about our body again.

That’s a really high bar. And honestly, it’s not very realistic.

We don’t reach a point in other areas of growth where we suddenly become immune to self-doubt or struggle. Even when we grow, we still have hard moments. We still disengage from our values sometimes. We still question ourselves. Growth changes how we respond, it doesn’t eliminate difficulty or uncomfortable feelings. That is why we call it growing pains. I think it’s helpful to consider that body image works in a similar way.

Holding the dialectic

Getting into a healthier space with body image is more about holding two truths at the same time.
We may have moments where we’re feeling dissatisfied with our body in some way, and we can also still hold onto the fact that we ultimately like our body and appreciate it.

Both things can exist at the same time, and can be equally valid. Just because we may be feeling dissatisfied in our body, it doesn’t undo the fact that we also still overall feel body respect or appreciation. Likewise, we don’t have to ignore or invalidate feelings of discomfort that we may be experiencing in the moment. One doesn’t take away from the other.

I also want to recognize that when we’re at the beginning of this work, it can be really hard to even identify this balance. Sometimes the thought is, What do I even like about my body? That’s okay. This is something that develops over time.

Sometimes the first step isn’t loving or even liking our body. It’s just starting to treat our body with a little more respect, even when those critical thoughts are still present.

The “bad hair day” example

A simple way to think about this is having a bad hair day. It’s unrealistic to think that once we get to “body appreciation,” we’ll never have a bad hair day again. We can’t control the weather. Humidity happens. Wind happens. Rain happens. Or maybe we just sleep funny and it messy up our hair for the day.

We might think:

• My hair looks flat today.

• Why is that piece sticking up like that!?

• My hair just isn’t sitting right.

But that doesn’t have to spiral into self loathing. We can still hold onto the bigger picture that overall we like our hair, or appreciate certain things about it, like its thickness, length, or that it’s healthy.

We can feel annoyed and still appreciate it. Both can be true.

Thinking about your body as a relationship

It can be helpful to externalize our body and think of it as a relationship we’re maintaining. In any relationship, there are going to be disagreements or moments of frustration. What matters is how we respond in those moments.

Do we scream and yell? Do we punish someone when we feel they’ve done something wrong? If we treated our friends that way, we might lose those relationships. But our body doesn’t get the choice to walk away. It has to endure whatever we direct toward it.

So the question becomes:

• How do I handle disagreements with my body?

• What does healthy resolution with my body look like?

• What kind of repair work do I need to do to improve this relationship?

A different goal

This is where a more dialectical perspective can be helpful, as mentioned earlier. Dialectics reminds us that two things can be true at the same time. I can have a negative thought about my body, and still respect it. I can feel dissatisfied in a moment, and still appreciate my body overall.

So with body image, the goal isn’t to ride off into the sunset thinking “I love my body” and never having another negative thought about your body again. The goal is being able to hold the dialectic when negative thoughts show up, and responding in a healthier way when they do.

It’s less about perfection, and more about flexibility.
Less about eliminating hard thoughts, and more about changing our relationship and response to them.

The goal isn’t to love your body all the time. It’s to build a relationship with your body that can withstand the moments when you don’t.

Why Motivation Is Not the Problem Especially for ADHD Brains

You wake up determined to clean the house.

You want to do it. You plan to do it. You even have time.

But when you start, your brain suddenly shows you everything at once. Dishes. Laundry. Clutter. Emails. The thing you forgot yesterday. The thing you should do before cleaning. The thing you should research before that.

The task instantly feels enormous. Your body slows down. You check your phone for just a second. Maybe you scroll. Maybe you wander. Maybe you organize one drawer instead.

Later nothing is done. And the thought appears

Why can I not just do it? I have no motivation.

But what if motivation was never the problem?

ADHD affects how the brain regulates attention, effort, and activation, not how much someone cares. What looks like a lack of motivation is often the nervous system struggling to initiate action.

Motivation vs Executive Function

Most of us were taught a simple formula:

If you care you will do it.

This formula works for people whose executive functioning system runs smoothly. Executive functions are the brain’s management processes responsible for starting tasks, organizing steps, shifting attention, managing time, and sustaining effort.

When those systems struggle, the real equation looks more like:

Care deeply → Brain overload = Stuck

You are not failing to act because you do not want to or your lack motivation. You are stuck because the system that translates intention into action gets jammed. Motivation determines whether you want to do something. Executive function determines whether you can start and follow through.

What Executive Dysfunction Really Feels Like

From the outside it can look like procrastination. On the inside it often feels like paralysis.

Many people describe it as knowing exactly what they need to do but feeling unable to begin, like their brain is pressing the brake pedal while they are trying to move forward. They may sit in discomfort watching time pass, they may pace or start doing an unrelated task, while wanting to act but feeling mentally blocked.

This is why it is important to clarify that this is not a motivation problem.
It is a regulation problem. Executive dysfunction is a neurological regulation issue, not a character flaw.

Why Shame Makes Everything Harder

Another obstacle that often gets in the way of people being able to follow through on tasks is shame.

Some people will argue that “tough love” is way they can motivate themselves; however, it is important to note that shame blocks action.

When your internal voice says things like I am lazy, I should be able to do this, or What is wrong with me, your nervous system interprets that as threat. When the brain detects threat, it shifts resources away from planning, focus, and initiation, and shifts focus towards a survival mode: fight, flight, freeze or fawn response.

In other words, shame shuts down the exact skills you need in order to start.

The Hidden Truth About “Unmotivated” People

Most people who think they lack motivation actually care too much, not too little.

They often carry constant internal pressure. They mentally track unfinished tasks, worry about falling behind, and hold themselves to very high standards. That pressure builds until the brain becomes overloaded and overwhelmed and stops initiating.

This is not refusal, this is their nervous system trying to protect them.

Once people understand this is not a character flaw, they often begin to recognize a pattern they have been stuck in for years.

A Pattern You May Recognize

Once people realize this is not a character flaw, they often start noticing a pattern they have experienced over and over but never had language for. It is not random. It follows a predictable loop.

For example, imagine you notice the dishes in the sink. You tell yourself you should do them. Almost immediately you feel resistance in your body. The task suddenly feels bigger than it actually is. You think about how long it will take, how tired you are, how many dishes there are. Starting feels hard. Then the thoughts show up. Why am I like this? This is so simple. I should have done this already.

Now the discomfort is stronger, not weaker. So you walk away and check your phone or sit down for a minute. The moment you step away, you feel a small wave of relief. The pressure drops.

Later, though, the dishes are still there. And now the relief has been replaced with more shame, more dread, and a stronger urge to avoid it next time.

This is the cycle.

The Avoidance Cycle

Many people with ADHD traits find themselves in a predictable loop.

When a task comes up, it can trigger feelings of discomfort or overwhelm, making it hard to get started. As shame creeps in, that discomfort grows, leading to avoidance. While avoiding provides brief relief, the shame lingers and builds, making it even harder to tackle the next task. This cycle can repeat over and over, showing how avoidance and shame reinforce each other.

Avoidance is not proof that you do not care. It is your brain trying to reduce discomfort. Distraction is a short term relief strategy that calms the nervous system temporarily. But afterward the task is still there, however now it is layered with guilt.

Shame acts like glue in this cycle. It keeps you stuck while convincing you the problem is your character.

How to Tell It Is Executive Dysfunction Not Laziness

There is an important difference between not wanting to do something and being unable to start.

Signs that executive functioning may be the issue include difficulty starting even tasks you care about, doing well under urgency but struggling without deadlines, starting strong but not sustaining momentum, or finding it easier to complete tasks when someone else is present.

Laziness means you do not want to do it.
Executive dysfunction means you want to but your brain is struggling to turn that want into action.

This distinction matters because the way we approach these two things are completely different.

What Actually Helps

Before strategies work, it helps to understand that difficulty starting is not resistance. It is a regulation barrier. If motivation is not the problem, pushing harder will not fix it. What helps is reducing friction between intention and action.

Creating external structure, breaking tasks into small steps, paying attention to sensory input, and practicing supportive self-talk can make it easier to help your brain take action and follow through.

One of the most powerful shifts is changing your internal question from:

Why can I not do this?

to

What would make this easier to start or what is one thing I can do for the next 5 minutes

That question moves you from shame into problem solving, and problem solving is where momentum begins.

Take Away

Struggling to start tasks does not mean you are lazy.
It does not mean you lack discipline.
It does not mean you do not care.

Often it means your brain needs different supports than the ones you were taught to use. This distinction matters not just emotionally but practically.

Understanding executive dysfunction does not mean lowering expectations. It means changing the strategies we use to address what is actually getting in the way. When we do that, people often realize the issue was never an inability to follow through. They are far more capable than they have been led to believe.

If this resonates with you, there is nothing wrong with you. You may simply be using motivation-based solutions for a regulation-based difficulty.

And those require entirely different tools.

When ADHD and Eating Disorders Overlap: Why It All Feels So Messy and What Could Help

Ever had days when your body feels like it’s speaking a language you don’t quite get? Your brain says “eat,” but your body stays silent. Or you plan to eat “later,” then suddenly it’s 8 p.m. and you’re starving, grabbing whatever’s easy. If you live with ADHD, this might sound familiar.

Living with ADHD can present unique challenges, and for some people, it may also intersect with disordered eating patterns. Understanding how ADHD symptoms, like impulsivity, inattentiveness, or difficulty with emotional regulation, can affect eating behaviors is an important step toward developing effective coping strategies and seeking support.

In this blog, we’ll explore the ways ADHD and eating disorders can overlap, highlight common patterns, and offer practical strategies for managing both. More than you might think, ADHD and disordered-eating or full eating-disorder patterns often show up together. For many people, it’s not about being “broken” or doing something wrong. It’s about how ADHD changes the way your brain, body, and emotions communicate with each other.

What ADHD Does to Body Awareness and Eating Patterns

First, I think it is important to get a clear understanding of how ADHD can impact body awareness and eating patterns. ADHD does not just affect focus or attention. It also influences the way a person notices internal cues, organizes daily routines, responds to emotions, and moves through their day. All of these pieces directly shape how someone experiences hunger, fullness, eating habits, and their connection to their body. While ADHD itself does not cause eating disorders, certain symptoms can increase vulnerability. Understanding this foundation makes it easier to see how certain ADHD traits can gradually shift into patterns that look or feel like disordered eating.

Hunger cues can get fuzzy

When you have ADHD, interoceptive awareness, tuning into subtle internal signals such as hunger, fullness, or body stress can be harder. Many people describe it like their internal antenna is turned down. They only notice hunger when it is very strong or when food happens to be nearby. This makes regular balanced eating difficult and can lead to cycles of ignoring hunger followed by overeating. Some research even suggests that people with ADHD may have more difficulty sensing what is happening inside their bodies, including hunger and fullness cues.

Executive functioning makes meal planning difficult

Cooking a nutritious meal involves many steps. You have to remember to shop, choose what to make, prep ingredients, cook, and clean up. For people with ADHD, that chain of tasks can feel overwhelming. Skipping meals, relying on convenience foods, or eating only when something quick is available becomes more of a survival strategy than a choice. This kind of irregular eating rhythm often overlaps with disordered eating patterns.

Impulsivity and the brain's reward system create challenges

ADHD often comes with a brain that searches for quick reward. Food, especially sugary or high energy foods, can give a fast boost. That makes impulsive or binge type eating more likely for some people. Emotional triggers such as stress, shame, or loneliness can also blend with impulsivity and low self regulation. When food becomes one of the only ways to soothe or get quick relief, the pattern becomes harder to break.

Sensitive emotions and a fear of rejection add another layer

Many people with ADHD experience intense emotional discomfort when they feel criticized or rejected. This can lead to restrictive eating, secretive bingeing, or feeling stuck in cycles of shame. When shame becomes part of the eating pattern, healing becomes more complicated because the struggle is often about deeper emotional pain, not just food.

What the Research Says:

• A large meta-analysis found people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) are about 3.8 times more likely to be diagnosed with an eating disorder (ED) compared with people without ADHD. PubMed

• Within that same analysis, the increased risk held across different ED diagnoses: about 4.3 times higher for Anorexia Nervosa (AN), 5.7 times higher for Bulimia Nervosa (BN), and 4.1 times higher for Binge Eating Disorder (BED). PubMed

• In a matched cohort study of children and adolescents with ADHD, 31.43% screened “at risk” for an eating disorder (via EAT-26), compared with 12.14% of matched controls without ADHD, showing a notably higher risk in youth. pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov+1

• Community-based research among adolescents found that those with ADHD symptoms had significantly higher rates of disordered-eating behaviors compared to their peers without ADHD, supporting that this overlap is not limited to clinical or treatment-seeking samples. However, it is also worth noting when researchers adjusted for other factors (anxiety, substance use, etc.), the strength of the association lessened. PubMed+1

• The mechanisms (why/ how) are still under investigation. Shared genetics, neurobiological reward pathways (dopamine), executive‑function challenges, emotional regulation, interoceptive awareness all play possible roles. PubMed+2ScienceDirect+

Taken together, these findings make a strong case that ADHD significantly increases the likelihood of disordered eating or a full eating disorder, well beyond what would be expected by random chance.

How ADHD Symptoms Can Gradually Shift Into Eating Disorder Behaviors

Eating disorders do not usually show up suddenly. Instead they often grow from patterns that begin as ADHD traits coping strategies or moments of overwhelm. Over time those same patterns can shift into something more rigid or more painful.

Below is a gentle map of how this progression can happen.

Need for stimulation or reward

Another factor to consider is that a person with ADHD may move toward foods that offer quick pleasure when bored or seeking comfort.
Over time ED behaviors can take advantage of this by using food for emotional regulation or using restriction for emotional numbness creating rigid patterns that are hard to escape.

This progression does not happen because someone chooses an eating disorder. It happens because ADHD traits create vulnerabilities that eating disorders latch onto.

Nuances: The Spectrum of Eating-Related Experiences

It’s important to recognize that the relationship between ADHD and eating behaviors exists on a spectrum—there’s no single experience that applies to everyone. Some individuals may struggle with binge eating or emotional eating, where impulsivity and difficulty regulating emotions play a role. Others may experience restrictive or selective eating, sometimes linked to sensory sensitivities or challenges with interoceptive awareness (not noticing hunger or fullness).

Examples of eating-related patterns seen in people with ADHD may include:

• Binge eating or emotional eating in response to stress or impulsivity

• Restrictive eating due to sensory sensitivities or routine disruptions

• Irregular or missed meals from inattention or executive-function challenges

• Selective eating patterns, sometimes overlapping with ARFID

Additionally, eating patterns can fluctuate over time, depending on stress, routine, sleep, or co-occurring conditions such as anxiety or depression. ADHD symptoms may amplify certain behaviors at some points in life and less so at others.

Research supports that ADHD symptoms can contribute to a variety of eating patterns, but experiences vary widely among individuals.

Understanding this variability helps to avoid overgeneralization, validates diverse experiences, and emphasizes that individualized strategies, rather than one-size-fits-all approaches, are most effective for supporting both ADHD management and healthy eating behaviors.

What about ARFID?

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID) and ADHD often overlap because both involve sensory sensitivities, low interoceptive awareness, and executive functioning challenges. For many with ADHD, textures, smells, or temperatures can feel overwhelming, while irregular hunger cues or difficulty trying new foods make eating harder. This combination can contribute to restrictive patterns that go beyond “picky eating.”

When Eating Disorders Take Advantage of ADHD Symptoms

This is one of the most important pieces people often do not get told. Eating disorders frequently build themselves around the exact symptoms that make ADHD difficult.

If you are forgetful, the eating disorder uses that to push restriction.
If emotions hit hard, the eating disorder offers bingeing or purging as a release.
If planning meals feels impossible, the eating disorder steps in with rigid rules.

It becomes surprisingly easy to mistake an eating disorder pattern for an ADHD quirk. And once those wires get crossed, untangling them requires compassion and clarity.

Why This Matters

Understanding the overlap between ADHD and eating disorders helps us see that for many people, disordered eating is not just about food. It is about brain wiring, emotional experiences, body awareness, and the rhythm of daily life.

This means:

• Early screening is important for anyone with ADHD experiencing eating challenges.

• Treatment should consider both ADHD and eating behaviors, not just one.

• Recovery is possible with structure, emotional support, and ADHD friendly strategies.
  
  

Quick Takeaways: ADHD & Eating Disorders

• People with ADHD are at higher risk for disordered eating, especially binge eating or bulimia, but not everyone with ADHD will experience these challenges. In fact, many people with ADHD will not experience an eating disorder.

• Traits like impulsivity, inattention, emotional regulation difficulties, and sensory sensitivities can influence eating patterns.

• The exact reasons ADHD and eating disorders overlap aren’t fully understood; likely factors include brain reward pathways, executive-function differences, and awareness of internal cues.

• Individual experiences vary, so personalized support and treatment addressing both ADHD and eating behaviors is key.

References:

Instanes, J. T., Klungsoyr, K., Halmøy, A., Fasmer, O. B., & Haavik, J. (2016). The risk of eating disorders comorbid with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder: A systematic review and meta-analysis. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 49(10), 1045–1057. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27859581/

Jahrami, H., AlAnsari, A. M., Janahi, A. I., Janahi, A. K., Darraj, L. R., & Faris, M. (2021). The risk of eating disorders among children and adolescents with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: Results of a matched cohort study. International Journal of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, 8(2), 102–106. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8144858/

Cortese, S., & Vincenzi, B. (2017). Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder symptoms and psychological comorbidity in eating disorder patients. Psychiatry Research, 254, 70–76. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28534123/

Nazar, B. P. D., Morales-Alvarez, C., & Newlove-Delgado, T. (2017). Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder and eating disorders across the lifespan: A systematic review of the literature. European Psychiatry, 45, 27–36. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27693587/

Nobis, M., Laghi, F., Brunetti, C., Cabaleiro, L., Hernández-Martínez, C., & Jansen, A. (2022). The association between eating disorders and mental health: An umbrella review. Journal of Eating Disorders, 10, Article 132. https://jeatdisord.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40337-022-00725-4

Values: Your Inner Compass

I think values are one of the most important things we can have awareness around. I recognize that, as a therapist who leans into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), I might be a little biased. But in my head, it makes sense.

Our values are the things we hold important. They reflect who we want to be and how we want to interact with the world around us. They can help guide our decisions, shape our relationships, and give us a sense of direction when we're not quite sure what to do next.

But there's something I hear pretty often in sessions when I ask someone about their values:

“I know I have them. I just don't think I can actually name them.”

Most of us aren't taught to think about our values. We're taught to think about goals. What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to change? Where do you want to be in five years?

But values are different. And if we can't name what is important to us, it becomes pretty difficult to intentionally make choices that reflect it.

So maybe the first step isn't changing anything.

Maybe it's simply getting curious.

What Are Values?

Values are the things we hold important. They reflect the qualities we want to bring into our lives and the kind of person we want to be.

Maybe you value connection.

Maybe you value honesty, independence, creativity, stability, curiosity, kindness, growth, adventure, or compassion.

There isn't a right answer.

And your values don't have to look the same as someone else's. For one person, connection might mean having dinner with their family every night. For someone else, it might mean making time for a weekly phone call with a close friend. The behavior can look completely different while still reflecting the same value.

And this is where values can get interesting in our relationships.

We can sometimes assume that the things we value are the things everyone should value.

If reliability is really important to you, you might struggle to understand why someone else doesn't always follow through. If independence is one of your strongest values, you might have a hard time understanding why someone else wants more support or involvement.

Neither person necessarily has the “right” value.

They're just operating from different things that matter to them.

Becoming aware of our own values can help us understand ourselves, but it can also help us recognize that other people may be moving through the world according to a different internal compass.

And sometimes, identifying our values means separating what genuinely matters to us from what we've been told should matter.

You may have spent years pursuing success because that's what was expected of you. You may prioritize being helpful because you've learned that being needed makes you feel worthwhile. You may have built your life around productivity because slowing down feels uncomfortable.

But is that actually what is important to you?

Or is it what you've learned you're supposed to care about?

How Do We Figure Out What Matters?

Sometimes we know our values right away. Sometimes we don't. And another place I see people get stuck in values work is trying to figure out which values truly matter to them.

When we're asked what matters, it's easy to say, “Well, all of these things are important.”

And maybe they are.

But here's the problem: we can't prioritize everything at the same time.

If connection, career, family, independence, health, rest, achievement, adventure, creativity, and stability are all equally important in every moment, we're going to have a hard time deciding where to put our energy. At some point, something has to take priority.

That doesn't mean the other things suddenly don't matter. It means we're making a choice about what matters most right now.

And that can change. What needs your attention in one season of life may not be what needs your attention in another.

So identifying your values isn't just about making a list of everything you care about. It's also about getting curious about which ones you want to prioritize.

And if you're having a hard time naming yours, you don't need to sit down with a list of 50 values and pick five. Start by paying attention. When do you feel most like yourself? What tends to bring up strong emotions? Who do you admire, and what qualities do you respect in them?

Sometimes our frustration, hurt, or disappointment can give us clues, too.

Maybe you feel especially hurt when someone doesn't follow through. Reliability or connection might matter to you. Maybe you feel frustrated when someone makes decisions for you. Independence might be important to you.

Our emotions aren't always telling us exactly what to do, but they can give us information about what matters. The goal isn't to have all the answers. It's to start noticing what matters.

What Does It Look Like to Live Your Values?

Knowing your values is one thing. Actually living them is another.

If you value connection, are you making room for the people who matter to you?

If you value creativity, are you giving yourself opportunities to create?

If you value rest, are you allowing yourself to slow down?

If you value honesty, are you being honest with yourself about what you need?

This doesn't mean every decision has to perfectly align with your values. Life is complicated.

You can value being there for your family and value having time for yourself.

You can value your career and value rest.

You can value connection and value independence.

Sometimes the things we care about pull us in different directions. The goal isn't to find a perfect balance where everything gets equal attention all the time.

It's about becoming more intentional about where we're putting our energy.

And Sometimes We Drift

Even when we know our values, we're not always going to live according to them.

Life gets busy. We get tired. We get overwhelmed. We fall into routines. We start prioritizing what feels urgent over what feels meaningful. Sometimes we look up and realize we've been moving through life on autopilot.

That doesn't mean we've failed.

It might just mean it's time to check the compass.

Is the way I'm living reflecting what is important to me?

If the answer is no, you don't have to completely change your life.

Maybe you just need to notice.

Maybe you need to make a different choice.

Maybe you need to remember what matters.

Because the point of values isn't to give us another list of things we're supposed to do right.

They're there to help us find our direction.

Knowing your values is one thing. Knowing which ones are your core values, the ones that truly guide your decisions and give your life direction, is another. Many people have a long list of values, however they often get stuck on how to narrow that list it down to the few values that really matter most.

We don't have to know exactly where we're going. Sometimes we just need to know which direction matters to us.

Understanding Neurodivergence and Masking: The Hidden Effort of Fitting In

Masking can feel like living with a dimmer switch turned down. Your true self is still shining underneath, just softened to fit in. For many neurodivergent people, including those with autism, ADHD, and other forms of neurodiversity, masking can serve as a short-term source of safety and belonging. Masking involves consciously or unconsciously hiding traits, stimming behaviors, or ways of thinking that might be perceived as unusual. It helps people navigate social expectations, avoid rejection, and protect against vulnerability in environments that may not yet feel accepting.

But while masking can be protective in the moment, it often comes at a cost. Over time, continually hiding parts of yourself can lead to emotional exhaustion, disconnection, and burnout. This blog explores what masking is, why it happens, and how caregivers and supports can help neurodivergent individuals feel safe turning their light back up.

What Masking Looks Like

Masking can take many forms, including:

• Mimicking social behaviors such as making eye contact or mirroring gestures

• Suppressing stimming behaviors like fidgeting or hand-flapping

• Rehearsing conversations to appear more “typical”

• Hiding challenges with attention, executive functioning, or sensory sensitivities

Why People Mask

Masking often arises from a desire to avoid judgment, bullying, or exclusion. From an early age, neurodivergent individuals may receive feedback that their natural behaviors are “wrong” or “awkward,” leading them to develop strategies to blend in. For some, masking can be a necessary coping mechanism, but for many, it becomes exhausting over time.

Why It’s Hard to Stop Masking

Even when people recognize how draining masking can be, it may feel uncomfortable or even scary to stop. Masking can become second nature after years of practice and self-protection. Many neurodivergent individuals worry about being misunderstood, rejected, or losing relationships if they begin showing more of their authentic selves.

Masking also serves an important short-term purpose. It can create a sense of safety by helping someone avoid vulnerability or emotional risk in environments that do not feel accepting. In moments where authenticity could invite criticism or harm, masking can be a protective shield that helps someone get through the day.

The challenge is that what starts as protection can become exhausting when used constantly. Over time, staying hidden can make it harder to feel seen, connected, and genuine. Unmasking takes time and gentleness. It is less about removing the mask completely and more about finding safe spaces where authenticity feels possible. Every step toward openness is an act of courage and self-trust.

What Masking Looks Like

Masking can take many forms, including:
• Mimicking social behaviors such as making eye contact or mirroring gestures
• Suppressing stimming behaviors like fidgeting or hand-flapping
• Rehearsing conversations to appear more “typical”
• Hiding challenges with attention, executive functioning, or sensory sensitivities

These are common examples of neurodivergent masking, often learned unconsciously over years of trying to adapt to expectations in school, work, or relationships.

Signs You Might Be Masking Without Realizing

Many neurodivergent people become so used to masking that it feels automatic. You might not even realize how often you’re doing it. Some common signs include:
• Feeling “on” or performative in social settings and exhausted afterward
• Replaying conversations or worrying about how you came across
• Adjusting your tone, expressions, or body language to match others
• Struggling to relax or act naturally around people outside your closest circle
• Needing long periods alone to recharge after social interactions
• Feeling unsure who you are when you’re not trying to fit in

Recognizing these patterns can be the first step toward greater self-awareness. Noticing when and where you mask can help you identify the environments that feel safe and those that require extra energy. Over time, creating neurodiversity-affirming spaces that welcome authenticity and celebrate individual differences can help reduce the need for masking and support long-term well-being.

The Cost of Masking

Consistently masking can contribute to stress, anxiety, depression, and burnout. The effort to constantly monitor and modify behavior can be mentally draining, leaving individuals feeling disconnected from their authentic selves. While masking can protect from vulnerability, it also serves as a barrier to allowing for genuine connection with others. If one is constantly masking around others, it prevents the opportunity for acceptance and authentic interactions. Many people only realize the extent of their masking later in life, often after experiencing prolonged stress or identity struggles.

Supporting Neurodivergent Individuals

Caregivers, teachers, and loved ones play a key role in noticing signs of masking. Some indicators include:

• Appearing unusually tired or irritable after social interactions

• Spending excessive time preparing for conversations or social situations

• Experiencing physical symptoms of stress such as headaches or stomachaches

• Withdrawing from activities they previously enjoyed

• Acting very different in public than in private settings

Supports can help by creating safe environments where neurodivergent individuals feel comfortable expressing themselves without judgment. Encouraging small acts of authenticity, validating emotions, and offering accommodations can reduce the pressure to mask. Practical ways to do this include checking in about how social situations feel, modeling acceptance of differences, celebrating efforts to be authentic, and providing predictable routines or spaces where the individual can relax and be themselves.

Signs of Healthy Self-Expression

Healthy self-expression looks different for everyone, but may include:

• Comfort in engaging in natural behaviors without shame or self-consciousness

• Openly sharing thoughts, feelings, and interests with supportive people

• Using coping strategies that feel sustainable rather than exhausting

• Feeling a sense of relief or satisfaction after social interactions instead of burnout

The Role of Therapy in Unmasking

Therapy can be a powerful space for learning to unmask safely. A neurodiversity-affirming therapist helps clients explore the emotions tied to masking, rebuild a sense of self, and create strategies for authentic living that balance comfort and safety.

In therapy, individuals can process the stress and burnout that often accompany long-term masking. They can also practice setting boundaries, identifying triggers, and reconnecting with parts of themselves that were once hidden. Unmasking is a gradual process, and therapy offers a compassionate and safe environment for that growth.

Practical Tips for Reducing Masking

Individuals can take steps to reduce masking in daily life:

• Practice small acts of authenticity, such as expressing a preference or opinion in safe settings

• Create “mask-free” spaces at home, school, or work where authenticity is encouraged

• Seek supportive communities where neurodivergent traits are accepted and valued

• Set achievable goals for social interactions, gradually reducing the need to mask

• Use mindfulness or self-affirmation to stay connected to personal feelings and needs

Embracing Neurodivergence

Awareness and acceptance of neurodivergence are crucial for reducing the pressure to mask. Environments that honor different ways of thinking, communicating, and interacting allow individuals to thrive without hiding who they are. Therapy, support groups, and advocacy can help neurodivergent individuals explore their authentic self, set boundaries, and practice self-compassion.

Moving Forward

If you notice yourself masking frequently, consider small steps toward authenticity:

• Identify situations where masking is most intense

• Allow yourself moments of natural behavior

• Seek communities or relationships where you feel safe being yourself

• Consider professional support to process the emotional impact of masking

Masking is a survival strategy, but it doesn’t have to define your life. For many neurodivergent individuals, masking has been a way to survive in a world that wasn’t built for them. Learning to unmask isn’t about flipping the lights on all at once, it’s about gently turning up the dimmer switch, one safe space and one act of authenticity at a time. With compassion, support, and self-acceptance, your true light can shine more freely, illuminating the best parts of you that’s always been there.

Why We Struggle with Communication (Even Though We Do It All the Time)

We communicate all day long.

We text. We talk. We send emails. We make comments, ask questions, explain how we feel, and try to tell people what we need.

So why is communication still so hard?

Because communicating something and being understood are two different things.

I often think of communication as a constant game of telephone. We have what we mean to say, we put it into words, the other person hears it through their own experiences and emotions, and somewhere along the way, the message can change.

Take something as simple as:

“That movie looks interesting.”

Maybe what you mean is, I’d really like to go see that movie with you.

But your partner hears, They’re just making an observation.

Neither person necessarily did anything wrong. The message just didn't land the way it was intended.

Where Are We Communicating From?

One way I often talk about communication in session is by looking at the spectrum of passive, passive-aggressive, assertive, and aggressive communication.

I actually draw this on a whiteboard pretty regularly.

When a conversation goes sideways, it can be helpful to step back and ask:

Where was I communicating from? And where was the other person communicating from?

Maybe one person was avoiding saying what they really wanted because they didn't want to create conflict. Maybe the other person was frustrated and came across more aggressively than they intended.

Maybe both people were trying to communicate, but neither was actually saying what they needed. Looking at the interaction this way doesn't necessarily tell us who was right or wrong. And really, effective communication isn't about assigning blame or proving who was right. When we shift the focus in that direction, we can start moving away from the reason we were communicating in the first place.

Maybe we were trying to be understood. Maybe we were trying to solve a problem, express a need, or feel more connected to the other person.

Understanding where each person was communicating from can help us get back to that.

Why Is Assertive Communication So Hard?

Assertive communication is often considered the most effective way to communicate because it allows us to be clear about what we think, feel, or need while still making room for the other person's perspective.

Sounds great, right?

Except being direct can also be uncomfortable because it means we have to be vulnerable. We have to be willing to say what we mean and express what we need without knowing exactly how the other person will respond. We are opening ourselves up to the possibility of being understood, but also the possibility of disappointment, rejection, or hurt.

If I tell you what I actually need, you might say no.

You might not agree.

You might not understand.

You might respond in a way that hurts.

It can feel safer to hint at what we want, shut down, become defensive, or communicate indirectly. At least then we're not putting the whole thing out there. But that also means the other person may never actually know what we were trying to say. We have to be willing to say what we mean without knowing exactly how the other person will respond.

That doesn't mean being assertive guarantees a good conversation. It doesn't mean the other person will suddenly understand our perspective or give us what we're asking for. Sometimes we can communicate clearly and still be disappointed by the response. But if we want genuine connection, being willing to communicate honestly gives the other person a much better chance of understanding us.

We Can't Control What Someone Hears

This may be one of the hardest parts of communication. We can be thoughtful about our words. We can explain ourselves. We can try to be clear. But we don't get to completely control how someone else interprets our message. Their experiences, emotions, assumptions, and expectations all come with them into the conversation.

The same is true for us.

Sometimes we aren't hearing what someone is actually saying because we're already anticipating criticism, rejection, or conflict. Sometimes we also have to check in rather than assume we know what the other person heard.

“What did you hear me say?”

That question can tell us a lot more than assuming we already know.

So effective communication isn't about finding the perfect words that guarantee the other person will understand us.

It's about doing our part to make the message as clear as we can, while also being willing to slow down and make sure we're actually hearing each other. Because we communicate all the time. That doesn't necessarily mean we're communicating effectively.

Sometimes we have to slow down, figure out what we're actually trying to say, and be willing to say it directly.

Even when that feels a little vulnerable.

OCD and the Search for Certainty

When most people think about OCD, they often picture someone washing their hands repeatedly, checking things over and over, or needing everything organized in a very specific way.

While those experiences can absolutely be part of OCD, they are only one way OCD can show up.

What I hear much more often from clients is something like:

"I know it doesn't make sense, but I can't stop thinking about it."

"I knew I locked the door, but I still had to check it five more times."

"Logically, I know nothing bad is probably going to happen, but I still feel like I have to do something."

These experiences are not simply about being anxious. They often reflect a deeper struggle with uncertainty and the feeling that something has to be done before you can finally feel okay.

When anxiety becomes more than anxiety

Anxiety and OCD have a lot in common. Both can involve fear, uncertainty, and wanting to prevent something bad from happening. The difference is that OCD often takes this one step further.

Anxiety may sound like:

"What if I forgot to lock the door?"

OCD often sounds like:

"What if I didn't actually lock it?"

"What if checking once wasn't enough?"

"What if something bad happens because I didn't make sure?"

The difficult part is that many people with OCD actually recognize that the fear may not be logical.

They may know the door is locked. They may know the thought is unlikely. They may know, rationally, that the feared outcome probably will not happen. However emotionally, it still feels like they have to respond.

OCD creates a sense of urgency that says:

"You need to do something about this thought."

And in that moment, logic alone often isn't enough to make the feeling go away.

OCD is not just about the thought. It's about what happens next

Everyone experiences intrusive thoughts.

A thought pops into your mind. A worry shows up. You wonder, "What if?"

For many people, the thought eventually passes.

With OCD, the thought can feel important. It can feel like something that needs to be solved. The brain starts searching for certainty.

Maybe that looks like checking.

Maybe it looks like asking someone for reassurance.

Maybe it looks like replaying conversations, researching online, or mentally reviewing a situation over and over. The behavior may look different, however the goal is often the same: trying to finally feel certain.

The problem is that the relief usually does not last.

The brain learns:

"That thing I did must have kept me safe."

And the next time the thought shows up, the urge to respond comes back.

The exhausting search for certainty

Our brains naturally like certainty. Most of us feel better when we have answers, plans, and a sense of what to expect. OCD takes that very human desire and turns up the volume. It convinces us that if we just think about it a little longer, check one more time, or get one more piece of reassurance, we will finally feel settled.

But OCD always has another question. Another possibility. Another "what if?" Over time, this cycle can consume significant amounts of a person's day.

It might be fifteen minutes checking the door before leaving the house. Fifteen more minutes making sure everything is in the "right" place. An hour replaying every conversation with friends, trying to figure out if you said something wrong. Time spent Googling. Time spent asking for reassurance. Time spent analyzing, reviewing, and trying to convince yourself everything is okay.

OCD is exhausting not only because of the thoughts themselves, but because of how much energy goes into trying to finally feel certain.

OCD doesn't always look the way people expect

Many people do not recognize their own OCD because they do not fit the stereotype. Contamination fears and excessive cleaning are some of the more well-known presentations of OCD, but OCD can show up in many different ways. Some people experience intrusive thoughts related to relationships, health, morality, harm, or needing things to feel "just right." Also, a person with OCD may experience several different subtypes of OCD. Due to the fact that OCD can look different from person to person, which is one reason it is often misunderstood or overlooked.

The theme may change, but the cycle often looks similar:

A thought shows up.

The brain labels it as important.

An urge to respond appears.

The person tries to get certainty and gain back control.

Why trying to get rid of the thought can keep us stuck

One of the reasons OCD can feel so difficult to break out of is that the strategies people use actually make sense. In many areas of life, when something feels uncomfortable, we try to change it.

If I don't like the color of a room, I can paint it.

If I don't like the temperature, I can adjust the thermostat.

If something in my external environment isn't working, I can often take action to fix it.

Our brains often try to do the same thing with our internal experiences.

If I don't like an emotion, I try to get rid of it.

If I don't like a thought, I try to argue with it.

If I don't like uncertainty, I try to find an answer.

The problem is that our internal world does not always work the same way as our external world. We cannot simply remove every uncomfortable thought or emotion. And the more we fight to make those experiences disappear, the more attention and energy we often give them. This is where OCD can become especially tricky.

Our natural instinct is often to challenge the thought:

"That's not realistic."

"That probably won't happen."

"I know this doesn't make sense."

But constantly trying to prove the thought wrong can sometimes keep us stuck in the cycle. It can send the message that the thought was important enough to analyze, debate, and solve. The goal is not to convince yourself that the thought is impossible. The goal is learning that thoughts can show up without requiring action.

Learning a different relationship with thoughts

Breaking out of the OCD cycle does not mean that uncomfortable thoughts disappear forever. Everyone has uncomfortable thoughts. The difference is learning that having a thought does not mean you have to respond to it.

Effective treatment for OCD focuses on helping people change their relationship with intrusive thoughts, build tolerance for uncertainty, and reduce the power OCD has over their lives. It is impossible to completely get rid of feeling anxious, discomfort or uncertainty. Those are a part of life, and we are going to feel them. We want to start shifting our focus to creating a life where those feelings no longer get to dictate how you choose to respond.

Final thoughts

One of the hardest parts about OCD is that it often targets the things that matter most to us. That is why the thoughts can feel so convincing and urgent. OCD is not a sign that someone doesn't know the difference between reality and fear. Often, people with OCD are very aware that the thought may not make sense.

The challenge is learning that discomfort and uncertainty do not always require action. Recovery is not about eliminating every uncomfortable thought. It is about learning that you can experience a thought, feel the discomfort, and still choose what you want to do next.

If you recognize yourself in this cycle, you don't have to continue trying to solve every thought on your own. OCD is treatable, and therapy can help you build a different relationship with uncertainty, thoughts, and emotions.

Why We Struggle to Follow Through

Throughout my work as a therapist, I see clients come in with all kinds of goals.

They want to set better boundaries. They want to manage their anxiety differently. They want to change a habit, improve a relationship, take better care of themselves, or finally do something they've been thinking about for a long time.

And then, sometimes, we get to a point where they are frustrated with themselves because they aren't following through.

"I know what I need to do. Why can't I just do it?"

"I've tried this before. Why am I still struggling with it?"

It's easy to assume that if we're having a hard time making a change, we must not be motivated enough. Maybe we aren't trying hard enough. Maybe we don't really want it badly enough.

But I don't think that's always what's happening.

Sometimes, change is just really hard.

We often think about change as a decision. We decide that something needs to be different, make a plan, and expect ourselves to follow through.

In reality, lasting change usually takes a lot more than making a decision.

This is one of the reasons I find the Stages of Change so helpful in therapy.

I don't use the stages as a way to decide whether someone is "doing well" or to figure out what stage they should be in.

Instead, they give us a way to slow down and ask:

Where are you actually at in the process of making this change?

Sometimes we're not ready yet. Sometimes we're thinking about making a change but still feel conflicted. Sometimes we're ready to make a plan. Sometimes we're actively making changes. And sometimes we're working on maintaining something we've already changed.

Knowing where we are can help us understand what we actually need. If we're not ready, trying to force ourselves into action may only leave us feeling more frustrated. If we're thinking about change, we may still be figuring out what we want and what is getting in the way. And if we're already making changes, we may discover that the plan needs to look different than we originally thought.

The point isn't to move through the stages perfectly.

Because we usually don't.

We don't always get it right the first time

One of the hardest parts of change is that we can genuinely want something to be different and still struggle to make it happen.

We can make a plan, put in the effort, and still find ourselves back in an old pattern. And that can be discouraging. Especially when we've already tried before.

It's easy to think, "I've done this already. Why am I back here again?"

But I don't think going backward necessarily means we're starting over.

I like to think about this the same way we might think about building a new car.

We don't expect the first version of a new car to be perfect. There are prototypes. There is testing. There are things that don't work the way we expected. There are adjustments and new versions.

We don't look at the second version and say, "Well, I guess we learned nothing from the first one."

We have more information.

Change can work the same way.

Maybe the plan wasn't realistic. Maybe we discovered a trigger we hadn't anticipated. Maybe we needed more support than we thought. Maybe something worked for a while and then stopped working.

That information matters.

We aren't necessarily starting from scratch. We're starting with more information than we had before.

A setback can tell us something about what we need, what gets in the way, and what might need to be different the next time.

That doesn't make the setback easy. It just means we don't have to turn it into evidence that we failed.

What happens when we're waiting for someone else to change?

I also find the Stages of Change helpful when we're talking about relationships.

Sometimes we're ready for someone else to change before they are. Sometimes we've done a lot of work on how we communicate and then feel frustrated when the other person isn't communicating differently. We may realize we need a boundary, only to find that the other person doesn't respond the way we hoped. And when we've spent a lot of time working on ourselves, it can be hard to understand why someone else isn't willing to do the same.

The frustrating part is that we don't get to decide where someone else is in their process.

We can tell someone what we need. We can encourage them. We can make requests. We can set boundaries.

We can want someone else to change, but we can't make them ready to change.

Sometimes the more useful question is:

What am I willing to do if this person doesn't change?

That's one of the reasons boundaries can be so important. A boundary isn't about controlling what another person does. It's about deciding what we will do based on what is happening.

That can be uncomfortable, especially when we really want someone else to make a different choice.

What if we're not supposed to get it right the first time?

I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to change perfectly.

We decide what we want to be different, make a plan, and expect ourselves to follow through. When something gets in the way, we can quickly turn that experience into a judgment about ourselves.

"I can't stick with anything."

"I knew I wouldn't be able to do it."

"I guess I'm just not motivated enough."

But maybe instead of asking, "Why can't I get this right?" we can ask:

Where am I in the process, and what do I know now that I didn't know before?

Sometimes change means taking the next step.

Sometimes it means changing the plan.

And sometimes it means recognizing that we're not ready yet.

Supporting a Loved One With an Eating Disorder

When someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, it can be painful to watch. You may feel helpless, unsure of what to say, or afraid of making things worse. Your presence, patience, and compassion are incredibly powerful. While eating disorders are complex mental health conditions that require professional support, loved ones play an essential role in the recovery journey.

Understanding Eating Disorders

Eating disorders affect nearly 30 million Americans at some point in their lifetime. They are not just about food or appearance—they are serious mental health conditions influenced by genetics, environment, trauma, and cultural pressures. Eating disorders have the second highest mortality rate of any mental health disorder (after opioid use disorder).

It’s also important to distinguish between disordered eating and a clinically diagnosed eating disorder. Disordered eating may include behaviors like skipping meals, chronic dieting, or rigid food rules, however an eating disorder typically involves more severe and persistent patterns that interfere with daily life, relationships, and health. Both deserve compassion and can benefit from support, and a diagnosed eating disorder often requires specialized treatment.

Eating disorders can also feel incredibly isolating. Many people withdraw from friends, family, and activities they once enjoyed. Reminding your loved one that they are valued beyond their illness—and that they don’t have to go through this alone—can help bridge that isolation.

Warning Signs to Look Out For

It can sometimes be hard to recognize when someone is struggling. Remember eating disorders are isolating and secretive by nature. A few potential red flags include:

• Skipping meals or making excuses not to eat

• Dramatic changes in weight (up or down)

• Preoccupation with calories, weight, or body size

• Avoiding social situations involving food

• Excessive exercise or distress when exercise is interrupted

• Rigid food rules (e.g., labeling foods “good” or “bad”)

• Withdrawal from friends or activities

• Extreme perfectionism or heightened anxiety around eating

Not every sign points to an eating disorder, but noticing patterns can help you gently open conversations and encourage professional support.

Myths & Misconceptions About Eating Disorders

Despite growing awareness, many misconceptions about eating disorders remain. Clearing them up is an important step toward reducing stigma and offering compassionate support.

Myth: Eating disorders are a choice.

• Reality: No one would choose the pain, medical risks, and isolation that come with an eating disorder. They are serious mental health conditions—not diets gone too far or vanity projects.

Myth: Eating disorders are just about food or wanting to be thin.

• Reality: Eating disorders often start out as maladaptive coping mechanisms—ways of managing overwhelming emotions, trauma, or stress. Food and body image become the focus, but underneath, the disorder may be helping someone feel in control, numb, or distracted from deeper pain.

Myth: Once someone stops the behaviors, they’re “better.”

• Reality: Recovery involves peeling back the eating disorder behaviors, but when those are stripped away, underlying issues like anxiety, depression, or trauma often come forward. This is why professional treatment and ongoing support are so essential.

Myth: Only young, thin, white women struggle with eating disorders.

• Reality: Eating disorders affect people of all genders, ages, races, body sizes, and backgrounds. Weight stigma and cultural bias often prevent people in larger bodies, men, or people of color from being recognized and treated.
  

Why Early Intervention Matters

The earlier someone receives support, the better the chances for full recovery. Waiting until “things get worse” can allow the disorder to become more entrenched. Even if you’re unsure whether your loved one’s behaviors are “serious enough,” it’s better to seek help sooner rather than later.

Medical Risks to Be Aware Of

Eating disorders can affect nearly every system in the body, including:

• Heart health (arrhythmias, cardiac arrest)

• Bone density (osteopenia, osteoporosis)

• Fertility and hormones (menstrual changes, low testosterone)

• Digestive health (slow motility, bloating, reflux)

• Brain health (difficulty concentrating, mood instability)

These risks highlight why eating disorders need specialized medical and mental health care—not just willpower or lifestyle changes.

Treatment and the Team Approach

Effective treatment often involves a multidisciplinary team, ideally with each member specializing in eating disorders. A well-rounded team may include:

• Therapist – using approaches like CBT-E, DBT, ACT, FBT, or trauma-informed therapy

• Dietitian – trained in eating disorders, weight-inclusive care, and nutrition therapy

• Physician or pediatrician – monitoring medical stability and complications

• Psychiatrist – addressing co-occurring mental health conditions and medication needs

Why specialization matters: Not all providers are trained in eating disorders. Working with professionals who don’t specialize can sometimes be damaging—for example, if a provider emphasizes weight loss, uses diet culture language, or overlooks serious medical risks. A specialized team is better equipped to treat the whole person, not just the behaviors.

Having a professional treatment team also allows you to remain in the role of loved one—not dietitian or therapist role. This matters because sometimes the eating disorder resists or even lashes out against support. By trusting the professionals to guide treatment, you can focus on being a consistent, compassionate presence in your loved one’s life.

How You Can Help

1. Lead with compassion, not criticism

It can be tempting to reassure with comments about weight or eating (“you look healthy,” “just eat more”), but these often backfire. Instead, focus on expressing care:

• “I love you and I’m here to support you.”

• “I may not fully understand, but I want to be here for you.”

When commenting on appearance, shift the focus from body size to mood or energy:

• Instead of “You look great,” try “You look really happy today.”

• Instead of “You’ve lost/gained weight,” try “It’s so nice to see you enjoying yourself.”

2. Separate the person from the eating disorder

Your loved one is not their illness. It can help to think of the eating disorder as an external force that is influencing them, rather than who they are at their core. This perspective allows you to direct frustration toward the disorder, not your loved one, and remind them of their strengths outside of food, weight, or body image.

3. Think about your own language around food and body image

Comments like “I feel so fat” or “I need to burn this off” may seem harmless but can reinforce harmful thought patterns. Try to model neutral or positive language around food and body image. Celebrate what bodies can do rather than how they look, and talk about food as nourishment rather than something to earn or restrict.

4. Listen more than you speak

You don’t need to have the “right” words. Often, simply listening with openness and compassion is more healing than offering advice. Focus on creating a safe space where your loved one can share what feels comfortable. Show empathy by validating their feelings while still separating them from the eating disorder.

Example: Instead of saying “Just eat, you’ll feel better,” you might say, “I know eating feels really hard right now. Let me know how to support you.”

5. Do’s and Don’ts for Loved Ones

6. Educate yourself

Understanding the medical and emotional complexities of eating disorders can help you respond with empathy. Additionally, understanding systemic barriers to care is important. LGBTQ+ folks, BIPOC individuals, and those in larger bodies often face unique stigma and discrimination in accessing treatment. Pointing your loved one toward affirming, inclusive resources can make a difference. These resources can guide you:

• National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) – nationaleatingdisorders.org

• National Alliance for Eating Disorders – allianceforeatingdisorders.com

• The Trevor Project (for LGBTQ+ youth) – thetrevorproject.org

• Health at Every Size (HAES) – Association for Size Diversity and Health

• Books like Health at Every Size by Lindo Bacon, PhD, and Body Respect by Lindo Bacon & Lucy Aphramor

HAES promotes dignity, respect, and access to care for people of all body sizes. This framework helps challenge diet culture and weight stigma—two powerful risk factors that can fuel eating disorders.

7. Encourage professional help—gently

Eating disorders rarely resolve on their own. You can encourage your loved one to reach out for professional care, but avoid ultimatums. Sometimes offering to help research providers or go with them to an appointment can lower barriers.

8. Support daily life in practical ways

Eating disorders can make everyday situations (meals, social events, even doctor’s visits) overwhelming. Offering to sit with them during meals, provide distractions, or just be a grounding presence can help reduce isolation.

9. Take care of yourself, too

It’s common for caregivers to feel exhausted or even burnt out. Seeking your own support—whether therapy, a support group, or leaning on friends—allows you to keep showing up in a sustainable way.

10. Remember that recovery is not linear

Relapses and lapses can happen. Try not to see them as failures, but as part of the recovery process. Acknowledge the effort your loved one is putting in and celebrate even small steps forward.

When Your Loved One Isn’t Ready to Challenge Their Eating Disorder

It’s common for someone struggling with an eating disorder to feel ambivalent about recovery. As mentioned earlier, the eating disorder often serves as a maladaptive coping mechanism, offering a sense of control or comfort in the short term, while causing long term pain and suffering. Because of this, your loved one may not yet be ready or willing to challenge it.

As a caregiver, this can be incredibly difficult. You may feel helpless or frustrated when progress doesn’t come as quickly as you hope. In these moments, it’s important to remember: Recovery is not about forcing change. It’s about supporting readiness for change.

Here are a few things you can do:

• Stay consistent with your care. Continue to show up with love, patience, and empathy—even if they reject support.

• Set gentle boundaries. Supporting them doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being. It’s okay to say what you can and cannot do.

• Focus on connection. Spend time together in ways unrelated to food or body image—watch a movie, go for a walk, or talk about something they enjoy.

Recovery is often a long, non-linear journey. Your role is not to fix the eating disorder. Your role is to provide steady love and support while the treatment team guides the clinical work.

Signs Your Loved One May Be Moving Toward Readiness

Even if your loved one isn’t actively challenging their eating disorder yet, you may notice small shifts that signal they’re beginning to consider recovery. These signs can be subtle but meaningful:

• More openness in conversation. They start sharing thoughts or fears about food, body image, or recovery, even in small ways.

• Less secrecy. You notice they’re slightly more transparent about behaviors or emotions.

• Expressing ambivalence. They might say things like, “Part of me wants to get better, but I’m scared.” This shows they’re wrestling with the idea of change.

• Willingness. They show curiosity about treatment options, coping skills, or stories of recovery.

• Engagement in relationships. They begin reconnecting with people or activities outside of the eating disorder.

These steps may feel small, however they are signs that your loved one is beginning to imagine life beyond the eating disorder. Your role is to encourage these openings gently, without pushing too hard.

Caregiver Self-Checklist

Here are a few quick reminders to keep in mind as you support your loved one:

• Lead with love and care — remind them they’re more than their eating disorder.

• Watch your language — avoid diet talk, food shaming, or body comments.

• Listen first — you don’t need to have all the answers.

• Encourage, don’t pressure — offer support for professional help.

• Care for yourself too — your well-being matters in this process.

• Learn weight-inclusive approaches — explore HAES to challenge harmful diet culture messages.

Final Thoughts

Supporting a loved one with an eating disorder doesn’t mean fixing it—that’s not your responsibility. What you can do is show up with love, patience, and consistency. Your support, combined with professional treatment, can be a lifeline.

If you or your loved one need immediate support, you can call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the NEDA Helpline at (800) 931-2237 for guidance.

Recovery is possible, and your loved one is so much more than their eating disorder.

Postpartum Mental Health: You Can Love Motherhood and Still Struggle

Having a baby is often described as one of life's most wonderful experiences.

And it can be.

You can be completely in love with your baby, grateful to be a parent, and still find yourself thinking, What just happened to my life?

Because while a new baby enters your world, your entire world changes around them. Your routines change. Your relationships change. Your priorities change. Your sleep changes—dramatically. Even your understanding of what it means to be tired may change.

I joke with my husband that I used to think I was tired. I used to think I was busy.

I had absolutely no idea.

And apparently, even my understanding of pain needed to be recalibrated. I remember being in the hospital on the second day after having my son when a nurse asked me to rate my pain. I remember asking her, “On my old scale or my new one?”

It was a joke, but it also captured something real.

So much of postpartum life is an adjustment to a reality you couldn't fully understand until you were living it.

You Can Love This and Still Struggle With the Change

As a therapist, one of the things I find myself saying most often to new mothers is that struggling with this transition doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.

I think we sometimes put a lot of pressure on ourselves to feel grateful during the postpartum period. After all, you wanted this baby. You love this baby. This is supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life.

So why are you exhausted?

Why do you miss your old routine?

Why do you sometimes want five minutes where nobody needs anything from you?

Why can you feel completely overwhelmed by something you love so much?

This is where holding dialectics comes in because two things can be true at the same time.

You can love being a mother and miss parts of your life before motherhood.

You can love that your body carried and delivered your baby and still not love how your body feels in the postpartum period.

You can feel incredibly connected to your baby and still feel disconnected from yourself.

You can feel disconnected from your partner, even when you have a supportive partner who is right there beside you.

You can be grateful for this new chapter and still grieve parts of what you've left behind.

You can be doing a wonderful job and still find this really, really hard.

None of those things cancel each other out.

You Have a New Hat

One of the biggest changes isn't just what you're doing. It's who you are now.

You've added a whole new role to your identity: mother.

I sometimes think about this as adding another hat.

At work, you might put on your work hat. When the workday ends, you get to take it off. You might put on your friend hat when you meet up with someone. Your partner hat. Your daughter or sister hat.

But the mom hat?

That one can feel like it stays on all the time. Even when you're trying to sleep, part of your brain may still be listening for the baby. Even when you're doing something for yourself, there can be a running list of what needs to be done next.

Your time is no longer entirely your own. Your body may not feel entirely like your own, either.

And sometimes, you just want nobody to touch you.

Not because you don't love your baby. You just spend so much of your day being touched, held, needed, and physically responsible for someone else that sometimes you want five minutes where nobody needs anything from you—or your body.

And this shift can affect your relationships, too.

Conversations with your partner can start to revolve around schedules, bottles, diapers, sleep, and who is doing what next. There may be less time for the parts of your relationship that existed before the baby.

And when you're both exhausted, it can be hard to remember that you're partners and not just two very tired people trying to keep a tiny human alive.

That doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with your relationship. You're both adjusting to a completely different life.

Maybe the answer isn't that you need to find your way back to exactly who you were before. Maybe you're figuring out who you are now.

The Mental Health Piece Matters, Too

There is an important difference between struggling with a major life transition and experiencing a postpartum mental health condition.

The postpartum period can come with a lot of emotional ups and downs. But if sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, irritability, or overwhelm feel intense, persistent, or start interfering with your ability to function, it is worth reaching out for support.

Postpartum depression is talked about more often now, but I think postpartum anxiety deserves much more attention.

Anxiety after having a baby can look like constant worry, racing thoughts, feeling unable to relax, difficulty sleeping even when the baby is sleeping, or intrusive thoughts that feel frightening or difficult to control.

Sometimes anxiety doesn't look like what we expect anxiety to look like. You may not feel panicked. You may simply feel like your brain never shuts off.

Having these experiences doesn't mean you're failing at motherhood. It means you may need some additional support.

You don't have to wait until things feel unbearable to ask for help.

Making Space for the Adjustment

I think sometimes we focus so much on how to take care of the baby that we forget that the person caring for the baby is adjusting, too.

Your entire life has been rearranged around another human being who needs you.

That is beautiful.

It is also a lot.

And maybe the goal isn't to figure out how to get everything back to the way it was before.

Maybe it's to slowly figure out what this new version of life looks like.

What parts of yourself do you want to hold onto?

What needs to change?

What do you need more of?

What do you miss?

What are you discovering that you actually like about this new version of yourself?

There may not be an immediate answer to any of those questions.

That's okay.

Identity doesn't have to be figured out all at once.

When You Don't Feel Like Yourself

Maybe you're reading this with a sleeping baby on your chest. Maybe you're exhausted. Maybe you haven't showered. Maybe you're touched out and desperately want five minutes where nobody needs you.

Maybe you're completely in love with this little person and still miss your old life.

Maybe you feel like yourself one day and wonder where you went the next.

None of that makes you a bad mother.

You're adjusting to a life that changed in ways you couldn't fully understand until you were living it.

So if you're somewhere in the middle of loving this new life and missing pieces of the old one, you're not doing it wrong.

You're adjusting. And that's allowed to take time.

The Permission to Recharge: Why Slowing Down Feels So Hard

We live in a culture that rewards us for doing more.

Work hard. Grind. Stay busy. Multitask. Make the most of your time.

Being productive is often treated as a positive quality. We praise people who can manage a million responsibilities, work long hours, and somehow continue adding more to their plate. Being busy can become a sign that we are successful, responsible, or that we are doing enough.

And while there is nothing wrong with working hard or having goals, I notice that many people struggle with knowing when productivity has shifted from something meaningful into something they feel they have to do.

Somewhere along the way, rest can start to feel like something we have to earn, or sometimes it takes a step further and becomes something we feel we don’t deserve.

When Slowing Down Feels Uncomfortable

One thing I often notice in sessions is that many people do not actually struggle with slowing down because they do not want rest. They struggle because slowing down can feel uncomfortable.

When we talk about taking a break, I often hear some version of:

“I feel anxious when I’m not being productive.”

“I don’t know what to do with myself when I have free time.”

“I feel guilty sitting here when there are things I could be doing.”

At first, it can seem like the problem is simply having too much on our schedule. But sometimes there is something else happening. Staying busy gives us something to focus on. When we are constantly working, cleaning, organizing, planning, accomplishing, or checking things off our list, we have less space to notice what is happening internally.

Slowing down creates that space. And sometimes what shows up in that space is uncomfortable. It might be anxiety. Uncertainty. Difficult emotions. The feeling that we are falling behind. The belief that our worth is connected to how much we accomplish. For some people, staying busy becomes a way to avoid sitting with those uncomfortable feelings. Not because they are intentionally avoiding them, but because being productive feels safer and more familiar than being still.

Sometimes, we have spent so much time moving from one thing to the next that we don’t even know what to do with ourselves when there is nothing we have to accomplish.

You Can Be Resting Without Actually Resting

Something else I notice is that even when people do take a break, they often struggle to actually experience it as rest. You can physically be resting while your brain is still working. Imagine sitting on the couch watching your favorite show after a long day. Your body is there, but your mind is somewhere else.

I should really fold that laundry.

I still need to answer that email.

I have so much to do tomorrow.

I shouldn’t be sitting here.

I wasted enough time today.

Technically, you are watching television. But you are not actually present with the experience. Your body has stopped, but your brain is still running.

This is why many people feel frustrated when they finally take a break but do not feel refreshed afterward. The issue may not be that they are bad at relaxing. It may be that their brain never actually had the opportunity to power down.

Rest is not just about doing less. It is about creating space where your mind is not constantly being asked to plan, solve, or perform.

Think About Your Phone Battery

This is a metaphor I often use with clients. Imagine your phone is at 1% battery. You plug it in, but you keep scrolling, streaming, texting, opening apps, and checking notifications.

Technically, your phone is charging. But you are also asking it to keep working. The battery may go up a little, but you are making it much harder for your phone to actually recharge.

This is often what we do with ourselves.

We say we are taking a break, but we answer emails during that break. We get into bed, but continue scrolling on social media. We sit on the couch, but mentally run through tomorrow’s responsibilities. We take time off, but spend the entire time thinking about everything we should be accomplishing.

We are plugged in, but we are still running all the apps.

True rest requires some degree of powering down.

That does not mean you have to sit in complete silence for an hour or completely eliminate distractions. It means creating moments where your brain is not constantly being asked to produce, solve, plan, or perform.

And at first, that can feel uncomfortable.

You may notice the urge to get up and do something. You may feel guilty for resting. You may hear that familiar voice telling you that you are being lazy or that there are more important things you should be doing. But discomfort does not necessarily mean you are doing rest wrong. Sometimes discomfort is simply a sign that you are practicing something unfamiliar.

You are learning how to be still without needing to justify it.

You Do Not Have to Earn Your Recharge

There will probably always be another email to answer, another chore to complete, another task to finish, or something else you could be doing. If you wait until everything is done before you allow yourself to rest, you may be waiting forever. Rest is not a reward for being productive enough. It is part of being human.

Learning to slow down may feel uncomfortable at first because many of us have spent years practicing the opposite. We have practiced pushing through, staying busy, and measuring our days by what we accomplish.

Giving ourselves permission to pause is not laziness. It is a skill that we need to build.

It is also important to remember that rest is necessary. Taking time to recharge allows us to show up more fully in the areas of our lives that matter to us. Without that time to reset, we can become depleted and move closer toward burnout.

Learning to slow down does not mean you stop caring about your goals, responsibilities, or commitments. It means recognizing that you are not meant to operate at full capacity all the time. When you notice discomfort showing up during moments of rest, try getting curious about it.

What am I noticing right now?

Is this guilt? Anxiety? Restlessness? The belief that I should be doing more?

Instead of immediately needing to fix the discomfort or jump back into productivity, we can begin practicing how to sit with it and decide what we actually need in that moment. You do not have to accomplish something every moment to be valuable.

Sometimes, you can just let yourself be.

Eating Disorder Recovery Isn’t Linear: What Setbacks Really Mean

If you've spent any time talking about eating disorder recovery, you've probably heard the phrase, “Recovery isn't a straight line.”

It's a little cliché.

And as much as we may roll our eyes at clichés sometimes, this one is true.

Recovery is hard. There will be days when things feel easier and days when old thoughts, urges, or behaviors show back up. There may be moments when you find yourself returning to a behavior you thought you had moved past.

That can feel incredibly discouraging.

It can also bring up the fear that you've somehow lost all of the progress you've made.

But you haven't suddenly lost all of the progress you've made.

Struggling Doesn't Mean You've Failed

One of the things I talk about often in eating disorder recovery is that struggling is part of recovery.

That doesn't mean we want to struggle. And it doesn't mean we should ignore behaviors when they show up. But when someone has relied on an eating disorder for years, it makes sense that old patterns can resurface when life gets hard.

Eating disorder behaviors often serve a purpose, even when that purpose isn't healthy or helpful in the long run. Maybe they helped someone feel more in control. Maybe they provided a way to cope with anxiety, overwhelm, or difficult emotions. Maybe they simply became familiar, something to reach for when everything else felt like too much.

So when life gets difficult, it isn't surprising that the brain may want to return to something it knows.

That doesn't mean recovery isn't working.

It can mean you're learning to respond differently to something that may have been a coping strategy for a very long time.

And that takes time.

Hard Moments Can Teach Us Something

Sometimes we think of setbacks as evidence that we need to try harder or be more committed to recovery.

Sometimes, though, they can give us information.

What was happening before the behavior showed up?

Were you exhausted? Stressed? Feeling disconnected? Going through a major transition? Avoiding something difficult? Noticing more body image thoughts than usual?

Paying attention to these patterns can help us identify triggers and early warning signs that we may not have recognized before. That information can actually make recovery stronger.

Maybe we realize that a particular situation tends to leave us more vulnerable. Maybe we notice that we're beginning to withdraw, become more rigid, or spend more time thinking about food and our bodies.

Those signs can become part of a stronger relapse prevention plan.

The goal isn't to create a plan that guarantees we'll never struggle again.

It's to become better at noticing when we're struggling and knowing what we can do next.

One Behavior Doesn't Erase Your Recovery

I think this is one of the hardest parts of recovery.

Someone engages in a behavior they haven't used in a long time, and suddenly it can feel like they're right back where they started.

But one behavior doesn't erase months or years of work.

It doesn't erase the meals you ate, the flexibility you practiced, the difficult conversations you had, or the ways you learned to cope differently.

Engaging in a behavior doesn't necessarily mean you've lost your recovery or returned to where you were before. There is still an opportunity to pause and decide what happens next.

This is also where all-or-nothing thinking can make a difficult moment feel even bigger. It can be easy to think, “Well, I already did it, so I've ruined everything,” or “If I'm really in recovery, I shouldn't still be struggling with this.”

That kind of thinking can turn one difficult moment into proof that recovery isn't working. It can also make it harder to choose what comes next.

This is where I often come back to a phrase I learned from a dietitian I worked with before: “What's the next best thing?”

Not, “How do I fix everything?”

Not, “How did I let this happen?”

Not, “I already messed up, so what's the point?”

Just: What's the next best thing I can do from here?

Recovery isn't about responding perfectly every time. It's about practicing a different response when you can, and sometimes that means taking things one decision at a time.

Recovery Is More Like a Road Trip

I often think about recovery like taking a road trip.

When you're driving somewhere you've never been before, you probably expect a few things to happen along the way.

You might hit traffic. There might be a detour. You could miss an exit. Maybe you realize you've been going the wrong direction for a while.

None of those things mean your car suddenly gets teleported back to your driveway.

You might have to turn around. You might have to take a different road. You might arrive later than you originally planned, but you don't lose all of the miles you've already traveled.

I think recovery works the same way.

A difficult period doesn't erase the work you've already done. A behavior doesn't erase the skills you've learned. A setback doesn't put you back at the beginning.

Sometimes you just need to spend a little more time here before continuing forward. And maybe that's one of the hardest things to accept about recovery: struggling doesn't mean you've stopped moving forward.

You will have difficult days. You may take a wrong turn. You may need to stop, reassess, and figure out where you are. And maybe our recovery road needed to look a little different than we expected, and we didn't realize it until we got there.

And sometimes, that starts with something as simple as asking yourself: What's the next best thing I can do from here?

ADHD & Perfectionism: A Hidden Struggle

Let's say you notice your closet is getting a little messy.

There are clothes that need to be put away, a few things on the floor, and maybe some things that don't really have a place.

You could probably spend 10 minutes putting things away and move on with your day, but instead, you start thinking about how the closet really needs to be organized.

You start thinking about going through the clothes you don't wear anymore, finding better storage, and rearranging everything while you're at it.

Now putting away some clothes has turned into reorganizing the entire closet, and because you don't have the time or energy to reorganize the entire closet, you don't do anything. The clothes stay where they are.

This can be one way perfectionism shows up with ADHD.

At first, ADHD and perfectionism might seem like they don't really belong together. How can someone who struggles to get things done also feel like everything has to be done just right?

But for some people with ADHD, those things can actually become connected.

Not everyone with ADHD experiences perfectionism, but when it does show up, it can sometimes be a way of coping with the challenges that come with ADHD.

Sometimes perfectionism is about trying to prevent rejection

When you've spent a lot of time feeling like you're forgetting things, making mistakes, falling behind, or not living up to what other people expect from you, it makes sense that you might start looking for a way to prevent that from happening.

Maybe the answer becomes trying harder. Being more prepared. Checking things one more time. Making sure you don't make a mistake.

If I can just get this right, maybe I won't disappoint anyone. If I do this perfectly, maybe I won't fail. If I can prove that I'm capable, maybe I won't have to worry about being rejected.

Perfectionism can start to feel like a way to protect yourself. The problem is that there is no amount of preparation that can guarantee that we won't make a mistake, disappoint someone, or experience rejection.

And trying to prevent those things can take a lot of energy.

And sometimes perfectionism keeps us from doing anything at all

This is where that closet example comes in.

Sometimes perfectionism doesn't push us to do more. It keeps us from starting.

If putting away a few clothes turns into reorganizing the entire closet, the task suddenly feels much bigger. And when you already struggle with getting started, managing time, or figuring out where to begin, adding the expectation that you need to do it perfectly doesn't exactly make things easier.

The same thing can happen with work, school, relationships, or everyday tasks. You don't just need to send the email. You need to make sure it's worded correctly. You don't just need to start the project. You need to know exactly how you're going to finish it. You don't just want to clean up a little. If you're going to clean, you might as well do the whole thing.

So you don't start. And then the task is still there tomorrow. Now you're behind, you're frustrated with yourself, and the fear of messing up can feel even bigger.

This is one of the frustrating things about the relationship between ADHD and perfectionism: sometimes the thing we are trying to do to avoid failure actually makes it harder to move forward.

Start by noticing it

Rather than immediately trying to get rid of perfectionism, start by noticing when it shows up.

Where does it show up for you?

Is it at work? In school? In relationships? In parenting? At home?

What happens when you start to feel like something needs to be done just right?

And what are you hoping will happen if you get it right?

Sometimes we're trying not to mess up. We don't want anyone to be disappointed in us. We want to prove to ourselves or someone else that we're capable.

Once we're able to recognize perfectionism for what it is, we have a little more room to do something different.

We can pause and ask ourselves, What am I actually trying to accomplish here?

Sometimes perfectionism can distract us from the thing we were actually trying to do.

The goal might have been to put the clothes away. Suddenly, we're reorganizing the closet. The goal might have been to send the email. Suddenly, we're rewriting it for the tenth time. The goal might have been to start the project. Suddenly, we're trying to figure out the perfect way to do the entire thing before we've even begun.

Coming back to the actual goal doesn't mean we have to lower our standards or stop caring. It just gives us a chance to decide whether the standard we're holding ourselves to is actually helping us move forward.

You don't actually need to reorganize the entire closet. You just need to put the clothes away.

Not because you don't care or because your standards are too high, but because sometimes noticing perfectionism gives us the space to step back and ask what actually needs to happen next. adadf

Boundaries: Getting Clear On What Is Okay With You

“I know I have boundaries. I’m just not exactly sure what they are.”

I hear this from clients more often than you might think. We tend to talk about boundaries as though they're something we're supposed to automatically know how to identify and communicate. However, for many people, especially those who have spent a lot of time accommodating other people, boundary work starts much earlier than figuring out what to say. It starts with figuring out what is actually okay with us.

Boundaries Give Us Clarity

Boundary work gives us space to slow down and notice what actually feels okay to us. Sometimes we have a clear sense of what we're comfortable with. Other times, we have to work our way toward it, especially when we've gotten used to saying yes when we really mean no or putting other people's needs ahead of our own.

Boundaries aren't just about how we want other people to treat us. They're also about how we want to treat ourselves. They can help us recognize when we're continuing to participate in something that doesn't feel right simply because we're uncomfortable with the idea of disappointing someone.

For some people, boundary work is less about learning how to communicate a boundary and more about learning how to recognize one in the first place.

When There Are No Clear Boundaries, Everyone Is Guessing

I've worked with clients who describe previous relationships where there were very few boundaries. Difficult topics weren't discussed. One person's needs consistently took priority. Saying “no” didn't really feel like an option. Everyone was simply expected to know what the other person needed without actually saying it.

The problem is that when boundaries aren't clear, everyone is left guessing.

We might expect someone to know that something bothers us without ever telling them. We might continue saying yes because we don't know how to say no. We might quietly become resentful while the other person has no idea there is a problem.

When everyone is guessing, it's easy for everyone to miss the mark.

If I never tell you that something isn't okay with me, I haven't given you much of an opportunity to do something differently. That doesn't guarantee you will change once I tell you. But at least now you have the information.

And this is important. It gives the potential for a different outcome.

Boundaries Are Also About What We Do

Sometimes boundaries get framed as rules for other people. Don't talk to me that way. Don't come over without calling. Don't ask me about that.

However a boundary isn't always about controlling what someone else does. Often, it is about deciding what we will do when something doesn't feel okay.

I may not be able to control whether someone raises their voice at me. I can decide that if a conversation becomes disrespectful, I'm going to step away and try again later.

That distinction matters.

Boundaries aren't promises that someone else will behave exactly how we want them to. They're a way of becoming clearer about our own limits and how we will respect them.

“But What If My Boundary Pushes Someone Away?”

This is one of the biggest reasons people feel hesitant about boundary work. There can be a real fear that if we become more honest about what we need, we'll lose people.

And honestly, sometimes a relationship does change when we begin setting boundaries.

But I don't necessarily think that means the boundary was a mistake.

I often think about boundaries as a filtration system. They help us learn which relationships have room for our needs, limits, values, and individuality. Sometimes a boundary can actually bring people closer because it creates more honesty. Other times, it reveals that a relationship worked largely because we were willing to ignore our own needs.

The point isn't to use boundaries to decide who is a “good” or “bad” person. It's to create enough clarity that we can see what kind of relationships we are actually building.

New Boundaries May Get Some Pushback

There's another part of boundary work that I think deserves to be normalized: people may push back when a boundary is new.

Imagine a child who has never had a bedtime suddenly being told they need to be in bed at 8:30. They're probably going to test it a little. Maybe they ask for another story. Maybe they suddenly need a glass of water. Maybe they remember something incredibly important they need to tell you. They're testing whether this new boundary is actually the new expectation. They are trying to see do you actually mean what you are saying.

Adults can do something very similar. If you've always answered someone's calls at any hour and suddenly say, “I'm not available to talk after 9,” they may be surprised. They may ask why. They may remind you that you've always been available.

That doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.

Sometimes people need time to adjust to a boundary that wasn't there before. This is where consistency matters. If we introduce a new boundary but immediately abandon it the first time someone is disappointed, it can become difficult for anyone to understand what the new expectation actually is.

At the same time, not every reaction should be dismissed as “pushback.” Over time, we can pay attention to how someone responds. Are they able to adjust? Are they willing to have a conversation about it? Can they be disappointed without punishing us for having a limit?

Their response can tell us a lot about what the relationship has room for.

Boundaries Can Create Connection

It's easy to think of boundaries as walls between people. Sometimes they are necessary for distance, but boundaries can also create more connection.

Setting a boundary requires vulnerability. We have to tell someone that something isn't okay with us, that we need something different, or that we're no longer willing to participate in something we've previously accepted. Then we have to tolerate not knowing what the other person will do with that information.

That's scary, especially when we've learned that keeping people happy feels safer than being honest about what we need. But when we don't communicate a boundary, we miss something too. The other person doesn't have the opportunity to understand us or respond differently, and the relationship doesn't have much of an opportunity to repair something that isn't working.

Sometimes the response is understanding. Maybe they didn't realize something was hurting us. Maybe they're willing to try something different. Maybe a difficult conversation opens the door to a deeper level of honesty.

And sometimes we learn that the other person isn't willing to make space for the boundary.

We can't control which one happens. However boundary work allows us the opportunity to find out.

Boundaries Don't Tell Us Who Will Stay

I don't think the goal of boundary work is to create relationships where no one ever gets upset with us. That's probably not realistic. People may be disappointed by our boundaries, and they may need time to adjust. We may even have to tolerate the uncomfortable feeling of knowing someone isn't happy with us.

For me, that's what boundary work is really about: becoming clearer about what is okay for us, communicating that honestly, and learning to respect our own needs rather than continually setting them aside to maintain a relationship.

Boundaries don't guarantee that everyone will stay. They help us learn which relationships can make room for us as we are, including our needs, limits, and vulnerabilities.

We deserve relationships that don't require us to dismiss our own needs to keep the connection. We deserve relationships where vulnerability is met with trust and respect.

And sometimes, boundary work is how we begin creating space for those relationships.

Living With Intention — Steering Your Own Ship

Many of us go through life on autopilot: answering emails the moment they arrive, saying yes before we pause to think, or scrolling endlessly without noticing time pass. Autopilot can feel efficient, but often, it pulls us away from what truly matters. We may end the day feeling busy but empty, reacting to life rather than shaping it.

Have you ever driven somewhere and suddenly realized you arrived without remembering the drive itself? That’s a perfect example of autopilot: moving forward, but not fully aware or present. The same can happen in life—days, weeks, or even months can slip by without us noticing if our actions align with our values.

What It Means to Live Intentionally

Living with intention doesn’t mean controlling every detail of life. It’s not about perfection, over-planning, or rigid routines. Instead, it’s about pausing long enough to notice your options and make conscious choices instead of letting life make them for you.

Intentional living is:

• Saying yes to what aligns with your values. This could be dedicating time to a creative hobby, nurturing meaningful relationships, or taking on work that feels purposeful.

• Saying no to what drains you. Protect your energy by turning down obligations, social invitations, or habits that don’t serve your goals.

• Creating space for people, practices, and goals that matter most. Whether it’s scheduling weekly time for self-reflection, exercise, or connecting with loved ones, intentional living requires deliberate space-making.

A Helpful Metaphor

Imagine you’re in a boat without a paddle. You may drift quickly, but the current decides where you go. That’s life on autopilot: fast, reactive, and often misaligned with your deeper goals.

Now imagine picking up the paddle. You can’t control the waves or the current, but you can steer toward what matters. Some days, the paddle will feel heavy, and progress may be slow—but even a small adjustment in direction keeps you moving toward your values.

Small Actions, Big Impact

Intentionality doesn’t require giant life changes. It can start with a single daily choice:

• Taking a five-minute pause before replying to a stressful email.

• Choosing to walk outside instead of scrolling on your phone.

• Reflecting on your day before bed: “Did my actions today reflect my values?”

Each small choice strengthens your ability to navigate life with awareness and purpose.

7-Day Intentional Living Challenge

Start steering your life toward what truly matters with this simple, week-long challenge. Each day focuses on a small, intentional action to build awareness and momentum.

Day 1: Pause Before You Respond
Before answering any email, text, or request today, take a deep breath and ask: “Does this align with my priorities or values?” Respond consciously rather than automatically.

Day 2: Identify One Energy Drainer
Notice one activity, obligation, or habit that consistently drains you. Today, say “no,” delegate it, or limit it. Track how it feels to reclaim this energy.

Day 3: Schedule Something Meaningful
Block out at least 30 minutes for something that nurtures your values—reading, a walk, creative time, connecting with a loved one. Treat it as non-negotiable.

Day 4: Reflect and Journal
Spend 10 minutes journaling about your choices today. Did they reflect your values? What felt aligned, and what felt automatic or reactive?

Day 5: Mindful Movement
Incorporate intentional movement today—yoga, stretching, or a walk—while fully noticing your body and surroundings. Focus on being present rather than rushing through.

Day 6: Declutter One Space
Pick one area—your desk, email inbox, or a drawer—and intentionally clear it. Physical decluttering reinforces mental clarity and the habit of conscious choice.

Day 7: Celebrate Small Wins
Reflect on the week. Identify 2–3 intentional choices you made that felt meaningful. Celebrate them—this reinforces your capacity for deliberate action and builds momentum.

Tip: After the week, repeat the challenge, gradually adding more intentional choices. Over time, these small actions become habits, helping you live with direction rather than drift.

Reflection Questions: Finding Your Autopilot Moments

Take a few minutes to answer these questions to identify where you’ve been drifting and where to start paddling:

1. When today or this week, did you act automatically rather than intentionally?

2. What activities or obligations consistently leave you feeling drained or misaligned?

3. Which moments brought you energy, joy, or a sense of purpose?

4. If you could steer your life in one direction this week, what small action would you take today to begin that course?

The Takeaway

You don’t need to control everything. You just need to steer. Living with intention means noticing the currents of your life and making conscious choices, even when the waves feel strong. Every choice — no matter how small — is a step toward a values-driven, fulfilling life.

Start today: pick one area where you’ve been drifting—maybe it’s your mornings, your work, or your social time. Pause, reflect, and choose one intentional action that aligns with your values. Steering your course doesn’t require perfection, only awareness.